My Happy List..

I’ve been changing.

I’m not the same person I used to be a few years ago.

Things have been happening.   I lost my happy.  I’m really struggling with parenting my oldest.  I constantly worry that I have failed her.  I’ve been very sad.  I’ve been worrying about my mental health and my kid’s mental health.

It’s like I just hit the wall.


Like, really fucking hard.

So, in all the transparency in the fucking world…

I went to a therapist.

She had me fill out a form.

I paused really long at a few of the dark ones. They were so dark and scary, but they didn’t feel like dark and scary questions to me. They felt normal. Like, normal suggestions for a super sad person.

“How long have you been feeling this way?”

“A long time.”

I do feel like I can pinpoint the date of my unraveling.

It was the day my husband and I made a huge decision regarding our child.

That’s when I lost myself the most. I mean, there have been signs over the years, especially if you have been reading this blog, you probably saw this coming years ago.

I’ve been learning about cortisol levels. I don’t know how the fuck I had never heard about cortisol levels before but when you look at the effects of high cortisol levels in someone it’s pretty much like looking at me. I should be on the poster for warning signs.

It’s just so weird to have to retrain your brain to deal with stress.

But I am doing it.

I have a happy list.

These are things that I have to do every day. This is my Happy List. When I don’t feel “right”, I can guarantee that these 5 things have not happened. I don’t always stick to the list. I have other things I do, but these are the main guidelines for me. Somedays it’s really hard to do.

  1. Go for a walk. Be Active. Step outside for a few minutes.
  2. Reach out to a friend. Make plans to hang out.
  3. Wear clothes that make me feel good. Nothing too small.
  4. Do a small task in the house. Put away the socks. Fold the tea towels. Call the dentist. Weed for 5 minutes.
  5. Drink some water.

So, that’s my happy list.

I made you one too.