I’ve been changing.
I’m not the same person I used to be a few years ago.
Things have been happening. I lost my happy. I’m really struggling with parenting my oldest. I constantly worry that I have failed her. I’ve been very sad. I’ve been worrying about my mental health and my kid’s mental health.
It’s like I just hit the wall.
Like, really fucking hard.
So, in all the transparency in the fucking world…
I went to a therapist.
She had me fill out a form.
I paused really long at a few of the dark ones. They were so dark and scary, but they didn’t feel like dark and scary questions to me. They felt normal. Like, normal suggestions for a super sad person.
“How long have you been feeling this way?”
“A long time.”
I do feel like I can pinpoint the date of my unraveling.
It was the day my husband and I made a huge decision regarding our child.
That’s when I lost myself the most. I mean, there have been signs over the years, especially if you have been reading this blog, you probably saw this coming years ago.
I’ve been learning about cortisol levels. I don’t know how the fuck I had never heard about cortisol levels before but when you look at the effects of high cortisol levels in someone it’s pretty much like looking at me. I should be on the poster for warning signs.
It’s just so weird to have to retrain your brain to deal with stress.
But I am doing it.
I have a happy list.
These are things that I have to do every day. This is my Happy List. When I don’t feel “right”, I can guarantee that these 5 things have not happened. I don’t always stick to the list. I have other things I do, but these are the main guidelines for me. Somedays it’s really hard to do.
- Go for a walk. Be Active. Step outside for a few minutes.
- Reach out to a friend. Make plans to hang out.
- Wear clothes that make me feel good. Nothing too small.
- Do a small task in the house. Put away the socks. Fold the tea towels. Call the dentist. Weed for 5 minutes.
- Drink some water.
So, that’s my happy list.
I made you one too.