My Happy List..

I’ve been changing.

I’m not the same person I used to be a few years ago.

Things have been happening.   I lost my happy.  I’m really struggling with parenting my oldest.  I constantly worry that I have failed her.  I’ve been very sad.  I’ve been worrying about my mental health and my kid’s mental health.

It’s like I just hit the wall.


Like, really fucking hard.

So, in all the transparency in the fucking world…

I went to a therapist.

She had me fill out a form.

I paused really long at a few of the dark ones. They were so dark and scary, but they didn’t feel like dark and scary questions to me. They felt normal. Like, normal suggestions for a super sad person.

“How long have you been feeling this way?”

“A long time.”

I do feel like I can pinpoint the date of my unraveling.

It was the day my husband and I made a huge decision regarding our child.

That’s when I lost myself the most. I mean, there have been signs over the years, especially if you have been reading this blog, you probably saw this coming years ago.

I’ve been learning about cortisol levels. I don’t know how the fuck I had never heard about cortisol levels before but when you look at the effects of high cortisol levels in someone it’s pretty much like looking at me. I should be on the poster for warning signs.

It’s just so weird to have to retrain your brain to deal with stress.

But I am doing it.

I have a happy list.

These are things that I have to do every day. This is my Happy List. When I don’t feel “right”, I can guarantee that these 5 things have not happened. I don’t always stick to the list. I have other things I do, but these are the main guidelines for me. Somedays it’s really hard to do.

  1. Go for a walk. Be Active. Step outside for a few minutes.
  2. Reach out to a friend. Make plans to hang out.
  3. Wear clothes that make me feel good. Nothing too small.
  4. Do a small task in the house. Put away the socks. Fold the tea towels. Call the dentist. Weed for 5 minutes.
  5. Drink some water.

So, that’s my happy list.

I made you one too.




3 thoughts on “My Happy List..

  1. I’m so sorry for your struggles, Kyla. I’ve been there too. I’m happy you’re seeing a therapist – the right one can be so helpful. I have a happy list too – and it’s so similar: hard, sweaty, fun. (Sounds dirty but it’s so not.) I hope you turn a corner soon. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

  2. Oh Kyla! I’m happy you recognized the unhappy before it got too much. I am so proud of how brave you are in asking for help. So often people say “if only they’d asked for help” when that tiny thing is the hardest to do. Love from Us!

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