I Lost My Happy

Have you ever had to sit back and think about what makes you happy? That was never an issue for me, I was just… happy. And then something happened. Suddenly, I wasn’t. I quit doing the things that brought me joy and in that process, I lost myself. I lost my happy.

Oh, woe is me, right?

Why in the hell would I not be happy?!

I guess I could say that in the last few years a variety of things happened that really got to me. I felt let down by some friends.  I became overwhelmed in some kid stuff. I was overworking. I forgot about me.

Forgetting about myself isn’t really a new thing.  As selfish as I think I am, in my family I have always let myself come in at #4.

  1. Whirlwind
  2.  Zed
  3. Baby Bot
  4.  Me

I didn’t realize that this habit of putting myself #4 would take a toll on me, but it did. And it came with ridiculous moments of binge eating, big fat tears, hiding in my bed, yelling at my kids, anxiety, paranoia and so on.

I’ve been learning about depression and cortisol levels. I’ve been learning about how stress has been affecting my body. I’ve talked about feeling sad and losing myself before but I always thought it was because of being a parent. I realize now that it is much more than that.

Why was I happy 2 years ago?

What was I doing 2 years ago that I am not doing now?

I was reading.

I was going to Yoga 2x a week.

I was part of a couples games night.

I was volunteering.

I was going to conferences.

I was doing Youtube work out videos.

I was meeting friends to go for walks.

I was doing things that I liked to do.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would just quit doing things I liked to do. Sure, I dealt with the guilt of motherhood and would often let that hold me back from going to a yoga class or to a movie, but I have always seen that as a normal part of being a Mom.

The other day my friend told me that she was going to get a babysitter and meet me at Yoga.


She was going to book a babysitter so she could do something for herself?!

My brain instantly went to two places.

  1. Who the fuck does she think she is?
  2. Fuck, I wish I could do that!

My brain is still in those 2 places yet I think I know that answer to them. She’s a woman who knows that she needs to go to Yoga in order to be the very best person so that she can carry on with all the other bullshit she has to deal with her life. And I can fucking do that too.

I don’t expect change to happen overnight. I’ve been working on it slowly. Somedays I still cry for no reason or eat the cupboards bare. Somedays, I go for a walk or read a book. Every day is different.

I got some work to do. I lost my happy and it is time to get it back.