I Lost My Happy

Have you ever had to sit back and think about what makes you happy? That was never an issue for me, I was just… happy. And then something happened. Suddenly, I wasn’t. I quit doing the things that brought me joy and in that process, I lost myself. I lost my happy.

Oh, woe is me, right?

Why in the hell would I not be happy?!

I guess I could say that in the last few years a variety of things happened that really got to me. I felt let down by some friends.  I became overwhelmed in some kid stuff. I was overworking. I forgot about me.

Forgetting about myself isn’t really a new thing.  As selfish as I think I am, in my family I have always let myself come in at #4.

  1. Whirlwind
  2.  Zed
  3. Baby Bot
  4.  Me

I didn’t realize that this habit of putting myself #4 would take a toll on me, but it did. And it came with ridiculous moments of binge eating, big fat tears, hiding in my bed, yelling at my kids, anxiety, paranoia and so on.

I’ve been learning about depression and cortisol levels. I’ve been learning about how stress has been affecting my body. I’ve talked about feeling sad and losing myself before but I always thought it was because of being a parent. I realize now that it is much more than that.

Why was I happy 2 years ago?

What was I doing 2 years ago that I am not doing now?

I was reading.

I was going to Yoga 2x a week.

I was part of a couples games night.

I was volunteering.

I was going to conferences.

I was doing Youtube work out videos.

I was meeting friends to go for walks.

I was doing things that I liked to do.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would just quit doing things I liked to do. Sure, I dealt with the guilt of motherhood and would often let that hold me back from going to a yoga class or to a movie, but I have always seen that as a normal part of being a Mom.

The other day my friend told me that she was going to get a babysitter and meet me at Yoga.


She was going to book a babysitter so she could do something for herself?!

My brain instantly went to two places.

  1. Who the fuck does she think she is?
  2. Fuck, I wish I could do that!

My brain is still in those 2 places yet I think I know that answer to them. She’s a woman who knows that she needs to go to Yoga in order to be the very best person so that she can carry on with all the other bullshit she has to deal with her life. And I can fucking do that too.

I don’t expect change to happen overnight. I’ve been working on it slowly. Somedays I still cry for no reason or eat the cupboards bare. Somedays, I go for a walk or read a book. Every day is different.

I got some work to do. I lost my happy and it is time to get it back.








15 thoughts on “I Lost My Happy

  1. I so get this. It is hard to remember what actually makes us happy….even tho sometimes it is hard to do that thing. Like working out makes me happy. Am I doing it? No. Will I do it tomorrow? Unlikely. I need summer to be over and Evan to go back to school….then working out. Until then I am reading and walking and doing the things. Love you, lady! You will find it again. I promise.

  2. Sometimes we don’t recognize we’re happy until we’re not. I know you can find your happy again, because you are an important person to so many people. Just remember you’re strong, you’re funny, you’re smart, you’re enough and you deserve it!

  3. I can totally identify with this, Kyla! Our friends had kids before we did, and so they slowly circled the wagons around their families when their kids were little and tiring and demanding, but, kidless, I had the ability to invite myself over to their place in the evenings for a glass of wine or something, even if my husband was out doing something else. And then I had kids, and I basically just stopped reaching out and started reaching in. And I know that some can live that way, but I can’t. I need the outward facing part. I need someone to come and turn me around. So last winter, I took a wood working class and I made cool things and I socialized with people. And I work with some pretty cool people (who, conveniently, don’t have kids) and am trying to make them be my friends. (I tend to stalk people until they relent… 😉 ) It’s effort to leave the house when I could be putting on my PJs, but I know that I’m SO much more satisfied and – dare I say – happy afterwards. I have to remember that it’s *my* job to make me happy, and that takes some effort sometimes.

  4. Well said Kyla. Too many times we put everyone first and it bites us in the ass. No fault of our spouse or children, we just give too much of ourselves some days. Not enough realized it and even less will talk about anxiety, depression or just a feeling of not being ourselves then we crash and burn. You do you girl and find what makes you happy.

  5. Good that you are taking care of yourself. Depression can be a vicious cycle that creeps up on you and gets worse as time goes on. People don’t realize they are in the cycle . It happens when you put everyone else first. Putting yourself first is extremely important. It’s not selfish. Your body reacts quickly and shows you signs that it is hurting. Even if you can’t do everything you need at first do something. Start.

  6. This is the first blog post of yours that I have read AND I LOVE YOUR BLOG!! It is refreshing to “meet” another mom who is so open and honest and who has a potty-mouth JUST LIKE ME!!
    Keep up the inspiring and shit-storm truth posts!!

  7. I have eight children and doing anything for myself by myself I always felt was being selfish. I am older, five are on their own. Life is calmer but now our parents need help, constantly. Sometimes I feel like I was put on this earth to be a caregiver, where I am never given any care. It shows in little things like weight gain, no time for make-up. Heck have not been to a hairdresser since 1991! Someone I know well once told me to really be happy with yourself you have to be selfish. I believe she is right, that is how we created this me generation. I don’t want to be that either. The balance is hard. I find joy in little things helps, but when the needs of others decent upon me, so does that sinking feeling of not liking me.

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