People say things either to my face or behind my back about how I overshare on social media. I find that irritating. Mostly, because the people saying that don’t usually know me at all.
I don’t have the courage to share what I want to share.
Sometimes I start to write and then instead put a few paragraphs in a draft folder, to be looked at another day. Usually, I delete it.
Then I talk to myself in real shitty ways.
“No one cares that you feel abandoned by a long-standing group of friends.”
“You are a terrible parent.”
“People don’t like you.”
“You are fat.”
“You don’t deserve time for yourself.”
Then I try to work up the courage to try again. The courage to share how I am really feeling. I can’t. The negative self-talk starts again.
“People don’t want to read about how you feel about yourself. They come here for the funny. Be funny.”
“It is no ones business that your child had a diagnosis that you don’t completely understand and is challenging your home life constantly.”
I hear my own Mother telling me to keep our dirty laundry to ourselves.
I try that.
I do that.
Some days I feel so friendless and alone I can’t bear it.
Some days I feel so full of life I think I might explode from happiness.
Some days I feel like a fraud.
Some days I think the guilt of just being myself is going to cause me to combust.
There is an article floating around online about the new midlife crisis hitting Gen X Women. I see too much of myself in the article. It makes me sick.
I know it is January. I know my family just left after a fantastic 8 day visit. I know Christmas is just wrapping up. I know I am feeling down. I am aware of my triggers.
I’m full of feelings.
I feel stressed.
I feel rejected.
I feel hurt.
I constantly feel like a failure.
I feel ridiculous for feeling these things because I also feel witty, beautiful and loved.
I force myself to focus on that, to share only that.
Really, that is what I want to focus on.
That’s what helps me get out of bed in the morning.
That is what will help me get out of bed tomorrow morning.
That is what will help me get out of bed the day after.
And hopefully the day after that.