You know those people that you like more than other people? Well I like Tara more than I like any of you. I met Tara last year at Blissdom Canada within my first 2 minutes of being there. It took us another 2 minutes to realize that we were super fans of each other online and were a bit surprised that now we were actually meeting. We are both idiots and I love it. Tara is one of the bestestest writers that I know of and is wasting her talent on Mommy’s Weird. Enjoy!
People I am Banning from My Minivan
In the words of Rainman, “I’m an excellent driver.” And I am. I probably just cursed myself here but I have never been in an accident when I was driving. Don’t alert my insurance company, but I wonder how long I can keep this enviable driving record. Given the number of times lately that it feels like my head is bleeding…from the inside…I feel that I have no option other than to take drastic measures.
I am creating a list of people who are no longer allowed to drive in my mini-van. It’s a matter of public safety.
They are going to have to learn how to hitchhike or put those Barbie bikes to good use. Just the smell alone of their discarded food is enough to cause me to lapse into a coma. Not to mention the seat kicking, ear-piercing screams, and endless talking. I have one kid wanting the music louder than Wayne and Garth listening to Bohemian Rhapsody, one insisting on sitting in the third row and whispering all of her questions, and a third complaining. About everything. Finally there are the well-timed questions that are sure to cause a 20 car pile-up, like yesterday’s “What was I before I was a baby?” query as I was merging into rush-hour traffic. And the ever-so-helpful questions of “Are you allowed to change lanes when the line is solid?” and “Why are you driving 75 kph when the sign says 60?” or “Mommy why is the man on the bicycle that we just passed sleeping on the road now?” To which I say “What are you, a cop or are you writing a book?” at which point I realize I have officially become my father.
She is the only person I have ever met who can talk more than my eldest child. I can sometimes tune her out, which would be fine except for the quiz later. And hearing your life’s failures rehashed tends to be a tad distracting. It’s like “This is your life” with fiery carnage.
He is lucky in that he is only banned from being a passenger in my van when crossing the U.S./Canada border. He forgets that I am a fully-grown (and then some) adult who is more than somewhat capable of speaking to authority figures. His helpful comments shouted across me at the border guard probably got me on whatever list I’m on that make pat-downs and sweat-inducing interrogations inevitable at every crossing since then.
My mother’s ex-boyfriend
He’s got a bus pass, and he can continue to use it. Or do something else entirely with it, but that would just be inappropriate for me to describe in detail. This applies to anyone who pisses me off. No van for you!!
She knows this. We took a very long road trip down to Hilton Head Island a couple of years ago, and she knows that she is a nervous passenger who stresses out the driver. I made that pretty clear with all my yelling when she screamed STOP as I attempted to make a valid left on an advanced green. We agreed that she can stay, but only if she rides in the back.
Other people’s children
They get my kids all wound up. And I always seem to get a seat-kicker sitting right behind me. Also, threatening to take away their video games for the next 5 years tends to not have the same level of persuasion as it does with my own children, what with the implementation problems and all.
My worst driving is when he is in the car. He doesn’t believe me of course, but I get talking to him, and I do stupid things. Like listen to him. Or draft a well-thought-out reply. I need to give our conversations the same level of attention that I have when I am trying to do serious things. Like reading facebook. ”Uh huh. Hmmm. You should fire him. Yeah I’ll take care of that. Third cupboard from the left.” Anything more is clearly a menace to society.
I’m not saying that this is going to be easy. Nothing worthwhile is. I think I will have to get a smaller vehicle to send the message that I am serious. Like a smartcar. Or a unicycle. Because nothing says I mean business like a smartcar.
Tara Wilson is a stay-at-home mom who spends more time in her soon-to-be empty minivan than she does at home. She is mom to 3 girls – a 9 year old and twin 7 year olds, and together they have her husband fighting for bathroom space and sanity. She blogs over at Don’t Lick the Deck about her family, autism, coffee, raccoons, and her inability to shop without creating disaster.