What No One Told Me About Being A Mom

When I found out I was pregnant every single woman on earth wanted to tell me their birth story.

Once I had a lady in her 70’s stop me in the drugstore to tell me about when she gave birth to her son, 50 years ago!

I didn’t even know her.

Of all the wisdom that lady could have given me, she decided I needed to know about her son ripping her from ‘top to tail’.

I kid you not.

I was also told that being pregnant with my first child would be the best part of my life.

Now, that shit was true.


People care about you when you are pregnant with your first child, no matter how annoying you are, and fuck- you are annoying. 

These are your glory days.

So, if you are pregnant and you are reading this right now, I have a hard truth for you.

You are not the first woman on earth to be expecting a child.

Yes, you are tired. We all were.

Yes, you have the worst morning sickness. We all did.

Yes, you have a weird craving for sour cream on oranges. Um hello?

Now listen, new Momma to be, this is the advice that I wish someone had given me

Enjoy this time because as soon as that baby is born nobody is going to give a fuck about you.

Sorry, but it is true. So suck it up, princess.

Instead of telling me stupid things like “sleep when the baby sleeps” or “don’t eat spicy food while breastfeeding” or “steal those extra panties from the maternity ward’, I wish someone had told me that I have to remember that I matter.

That my happiness is number one.

That my identity is important.

That this Mommy stuff will not work unless I keep living my own life.

Even if by some miracle someone had told me this, I fully understand that I may not have heard it.

But, what if I did hear it?

What if someone had told me often enough that it sunk into my feeding, diapering, non-sleeping brain and I actually started to believe it?

How different would my 11 years of parenting have been?

If you are pregnant and reading this right now, I’m sorry, you are not going to be special and avoid this fate. You are not going to be the odd woman that this does not happen to.

You are going to lose yourself in ways that you never even thought were possible. I’m not talking about your hips and your breasts and your vagina and your voice and your hair and your skin or your title at work.

It’s your happiness.

Chances are pretty big that you are going to lose it.

Your happiness is not going to matter to anyone. You are going to fall the fuck apart unless you take the breast pump by the horns. No one is going to do this for you. No one is going to make sure you are happy. No one is going to make sure you are okay. No one is actually going to fucking notice you once that adorable baby is born. Nobody. Nobody but you.

Oh, there is some great shit that happens with parenting. But, we are not going to focus on that today.

We are going to focus on you.




You deserve to take care of yourself.

No one is going to do this for you.

I mean it. Yes, your husband loves you and your Mom loves you and they want to help you and support you in every way that they can. But, they cannot do this for you. Only you can do this for you.

Now, if you have a toddler and you are falling apart, I need you to listen to me. I need you to go to an event this week. It can be a concert with a friend. It can be a workout class alone. Maybe go spend the night at a hotel. And not just this week. You need to go do something for you next week too and the week after that. Pottery. Yoga. Spanish Class. Volleyball. I don’t fucking care, but you need to do this.

Side note: Grocery shopping doesn’t even count, so don’t even try that shit with me.

I know you have excuses.

You don’t have money.

You guys have plans this weekend.

Your toddler won’t go to bed without you.

Your husband/boyfriend/ wife/mom/ is working and you have no one to watch your kid.

Listen, I know the excuses. You don’t think I was living this life?

Stop it.


Trust me.

Don’t say nobody told you this was going to happen.

It is time to open your damn eyes, my friend.

You got this.