First Time Parents Are Annoying…

You know who is really annoying?

First time parents.

Okay, calm down, before you get your panties all in a knot, I want you to know that I am also including myself in this generalization.

Now, before I lump all of us in the same category there are some really normal first time parents out there. You know,  the ones that don’t even freak out over eating raw fish while pregnant.

Secretly, I want to call Child and Family Services whenever I see a pregnant woman with a glass of wine. I just do, I can’t help it. It’s the little Miss Goody Two Shoes in me.

Any who…

Back to “first time parents”….

How did my friends with children stand me? From the moment I was pregnant all I did was talk stupid talk.


I even remember saying the following stupid things….

“Can we just stop off at my house first, I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin today.”


“Is that kitty litter? My baby can die from me smelling kitty litter.”

Double Ugh.

I didn’t know I was annoying until I took a Prenatal Yoga class. First of all, I don’t even know why I was taking a prenatal yoga class while pregnant with Baby Bot. I had no time for it. I was too overwhelmed with working and taking care of Whirlwind to go all  “namaste”  for an hour.

Any who…

The other women in the class seemed to be a bit more into it. Probably because it was the first pregnancy and all you do during your first pregnancy is nap, eat ice cream,  browse baby bedding websites and write letters to your future baby.

Triple Ugh.

They hardly spoke to me once they found out I was pregnant with my second child.  And in their defense, I remember doing the same thing to other Mom’s.  I wanted to be in my own little self centred world of” first time” Momma’s.

You already have a kid? Well, that’s your own damn fault. Not mine.

I remember meeting Mommy #3 after my first was born. I asked her why she didn’t come to the Mommy Group,  “Baby and Me”.  She looked at me like she wanted to kill me.

And I never got it. What was her deal?

Basically, I never really wanted to be her friend anyways.

I have a baby.

She had kids.




I need to pay for my horrible children. You will find affiliate links in this post.


FABLife PHOTO CREDIT: DANNY FELD Danny Feld - Disney|ABC Home Entertainment and TV Distribution
Danny Feld – Disney|ABC Home Entertainment and TV Distribution

36 thoughts on “First Time Parents Are Annoying…

  1. I remember your thing with the raw fish. As a non-parent, I have to admit, I didn’t get it. All I heard was “no, not sushi”. It was awful.

  2. this is really true, and i can’t stand the glee of first time moms. I’m such a hypocrite considering I spent $1,000 on an imported crib from Sweden for my ONLY CHILD.

    Most expensive piece of furniture in my house.

    Fuck me. Fuck you too. 🙂

    (I so love that I can swear here)

  3. Even though I’m about to become one of those first-timers, I can’t stand them either. Yes, I’m growing a human and I’m pretty stoked, but let’s be real here: I can multitask: I can grow a life AND get on with mine! The whole thing is super-surreal. While I’m doing the best I can to take care of Cletus the Fetus, I’m certainly not stressing about things like vitamins and kitty litter 😉 And don’t think I haven’t seen the dirty looks when I have the occasional diet pop (don’t you know the artifical sweetener will KILL everyone and everthing!!?!?) I’m sure my parents ate lead paint chips and inhaled more than their fair share of second hand smoke and we all turned out just fine.
    Speaking of fine, don’t you preggos out there find it annoying that people always ask you: How are you FEELING?!?! IThese friggin people NEVER asked me that ONCE before, now why the fuck are you all concerned? Piss off. It’s like they want you to say you feel shitty so they can be all patronizing and feel sorry for you or something…
    BTW, I love this line: “all you do during your first pregnancy is nap, eat ice cream, browse baby bedding websites and write letters to your future baby.”. FUCK, REALLY??!?! I fucking missed THAT memo. I’ve done nothing but bust my ass just to have people give me shit for it! I’m sure you’ve all heard: you shouldn’t be doing that in “your condition”!! Jesus murphy, I’m pregnant, not crippled!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m no hero, but cripes, if I feel capable, I’m gonna damn-well try to do it!
    Hmm…that was a rant. Can you tell the pregnancy hormones are raging! lol!!

  4. on the topic of having a glass of wine prego… i really a biotch for glaring at women who are walking down the road so caually smoking while pregnant like as if they dont give two $hitz who sees them and as if its not really a health hazard to their unborn child????? wtf? eat all the raw sushi you want…..but pleeease put the damn cigs down!!! geeesh!

  5. Wait. It gets worse. One day you’ll join the ranks of ‘Moms with older kids’ and then all those Moms who whine about getting up with kids at night and toilet training issues and temper tantrums? You’ll roll your eyes and want to tell them about having to stay up until 2 am because your kid is out at a party where there’s DRINKING and SEX and DRUGS and they have your CAR. It never ends. Sigh.

  6. First time moms are so annoying. Including me too! My current enemies are the judgy moms of the playground that don’t have special needs kids, and stare at me while my six year old has a nuclear meltdown. Like their children have never tried to steal a baby before!

  7. My friend was expecting her 3rd child(and nobody in our crowd was pregnant). Realizing we were all about to drop her a like a hot potato until the baby was sleeping through the night, she commented, “I need some new-mom friends…and not those first time jobbers who sit in the park nursing their babies and pureeing fruits. I need REAL moms who can use fit all the necessities in their purses and drink wine while burping a kid.”


  8. I thought that once my first baby was born, all us moms were on the same level. Look, guys! I’m one of you! I was such a dipshit. Moms of babies hate toddlers and preschoolers because they are too rough around the baby, moms of preschoolers hate older kids because older kids teach their littler kids rude and naughty behavior, and moms of big kids hate the way moms of younger kids freak out over so many unimportant things. That’s why we all drink.

    I’m loving your blog. That’s not the booze talking.

    1. When Whirlwind was 3 she loved to play with a 5 year old. I hated it. She learned so much and suddenly was breast feeding and giving birth with all her friends. Oh, and then she was always DYING. I was humiliated when we went to play with other kids.
      p.s you can say dipshit anytime on my blog. I love it. Going to drink now….

    2. Mom of a preteen girl here! I hate when my friends with toddlers come here. Baby proofing shmaby proofing. I don’t lock shit up any more. My minion knows not to drink the bleach. By God she is twelve, if she decides that the window cleaner look like blue raspberry it’s Darwinism.

      I was also the obnoxious first time mom. Listening to classical music and claiming that screen time wasn’t in our future. I had so many irrational fears and high hopes. On the plus side, I have accidentally kept her alive this far. I am also supporting our economy by ensuring she will have plenty to talk to her therapist about.

  9. Yeah, I”m a first time mom and basically my 94 year old granny shot a cold hard dose of reality into me during Thanksgiving when I was about 7 months pregnant. I was going on about how I wanted to have a water birth and all natural and she grabbed me by the hand and said, shut your mouth with that silly talk. I already have a betting parlor in the back that you will be on the good shit by noon time of your labor. Sure enough, I was on the epidural by noon that day!

    What gets me is that I get a lot of hate when it comes to my sons teething, who is now 8 months old. I gave him orajel naturals like I got and all 5 of my siblings got as a kid, and someone told me that if I used orajel that the baby would stop breathing and die!!! Well I used it until I ran out a month later. Got the teething tablets which BTW are AWESOME, and was told by another person that those could put my son in a coma and make him die. It’s like what do you bitches want me to do, just sit here all day and give him that damn giraffe teething toy and singing Kum Bye Yah with the flute that is stuck up my ass? Hell no, there are perfectly good things out there to help sooth the babies tooth cutting pain and you better believe that I am using them. Some parents man, some parents.

  10. As amusing as I find your post, I would loved to have been one of those annoying parents. With my bleeding starting at 6 weeks, bedrest from 9 weeks, birth at 26 weeks, and then a year and a half of medical and parenting hell, my experiences are quite different. For my third trimester, my baby was in a box instead of my womb. I’ve not been able to have another child. Honestly, I still have trouble dealing with my bitterness over all you full term-ers, whether you’re annoying first timers or not.

  11. I love this blog! I’m an only-time mom, and let me tell you, I did not glow. Everything went fine but I was still trying to figure out why the hell I was having a baby to begin with. And he was PLANNED. I didn’t drink diet soda only because it made me puke, I had to drink the stuff that will put you into sugar shock. I put on a mask and gloves and cleaned the kitty litter. I painted the bedroom twice. I worked until baby dropped and I could no longer walk without bad pelvic pain. My mantra during delivery was “Get out! ” changed in a whisper over and over. I didn’t glow, l didn’t preen, I couldn’t catch my breath, ugh! And I dropped out of the moms and babies club because I was the oldest and couldn’t relate to those young mommies having 3-4 kids. I had my tubes removed last year yahoo! I love my son dearly, but I could have done without that whole first year of his life. Omg, cry it out? He’d cry for an hour before falling asleep. An hour! Longer if I interrupted him to soothe him… He projectile puked down the inside of my pjs…I am a good mom and he is agood kid (he’s 7y old now) but holy God I’m not having another baby ever! Thanks for a great blog!

  12. I am so frustrated with first time Mama’s at the mo. I was one too, don’t get me wrong. However after having one, my daughter I didn’t change much, still judgemental and despising all other toddlers older than her. However then I had two boys….holy shit…that rocked my world. I was soooo judgemental of parents with boys. The boys were naughty, rough, dirty, off the wall, useless parents etc….ohhh how wrong I was. No they are actually born a certain way. It is also possible that two boys from the same seed can by totally different. My brother is so judgemental of my boys and they are about to have their first baby and its a girl…so they won’t get shit about any of my ranting right now….

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