It’s time to admit an unpopular true: Christmas sucks for moms. I can boo-hoo all I want about how bloody exhausted I am having been handed the involuntary role of official Memory Maker for my family, but that isn’t going to change this shit show. We need Christmas Hacks for Moms.
Christmas is happening even without the Amazon parcel that isn’t being delivered until December 28.
Just suck it up, princess.
Listen, I know the story: every year you say you’re going to cut back and relieve some of the stress and expectations.
That is bull and you know it. You can’t cut back – or more accurately, you won’t. Quit being a whiny cow and just do what you’re expected to do.
Let’s get this shit done.
#1 Christmas Hacks For Moms
ORDER YOUR BAKING
Today – like right fucking now – log into Facebook and post this on your personal page. Feel free to copy and paste (Merry Christmas from me, by the way. That’s all you’re getting).
“I’m looking for someone locally that does Christmas baking. Please note, I said locally. Don’t chime in with your cutesy comment that you’ll do it for me if I come and visit. Stop that shit. I’ll come visit one of these decades, I promise, just not now, okay. I am stressed the fuck out. I am looking for about four dozen cookies, squares or tarts, or any combination of the above, to be delivered to my house on December 20. This is not me begging for a favour that can be bailed on or that I can be guilted into returning “someday.”. I need a person or service that does this for the holidays. Thanks in advance!”
Every year I order my Christmas baking. There truly is nothing more satisfying than getting that beautiful tray of home baked goodies and passing it off as your own. Worth every guilt-ridden penny.
But speaking of guilt…
The catch with this approach is that you are not creating very many memories. So, I order the stuff that takes effort or more than one mixing bowl, and still do my own easy baking like Butterscotch Marshmellow Dainties and 3 ingredient Christmas Cookie with the kids.
This hack will also save your ass when you don’t have a gift for someone who randomly shows up at your door with “a little something” for you. Keep cute little Christmas plates, cling wrap and bows on standby to really convince people that you have your shit together.
#2 Christmas Hacks For Moms
FUCK THE TEACHER GIFTS
Seriously. Fuck ‘em. Do not give gifts to the school teacher, the babysitter, the swim coach, the dance instructor, the doctor, the newspaper carrier, the minister, the guy that snow blows your driveway and so on and so on.
Did you hear me the first time? Fuck it. You can’t do everything.
If they are genuinely deserving of a gift, do it another time of the year, not just because it’s Christmas and you feel obligated. Take the stress off and just say no, or if your guilty conscience steps in, give them some of that Christmas baking on a plate that you bought from a stranger on Facebook.
#3 Christmas Hacks For Moms
CLEAN 10 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS
After you do this big clean, that’s it. Ignore your floors until the New Year. I mean it. Just surface clean/declutter everything else. Do not touch a god damn toilet brush, mop or vacuum until at least January 3. I swear to God, if I walk into your house and it smells like a lemon or a forest, I am going to shove your swiffer up your nose.
#4 Christmas Hacks For Mom
MORE GIFT BAGS, LESS WRAPPING PAPER
Listen, I get that wrapping paper is more fun. It is also equally joyful to spend six hours in your basement by yourself wrapping gifts at 3:45 am while everyone else in your family is sleeping. It also sucks ass to clean up the scraps of paper and bits of balled-up tape stuck to every surface in the room. See also, hack #3.
And speaking of tape, fuck that stuff too.
Know what you are doing tomorrow? You’re taking your stressed ass to the nearest dollar store and you are buying 25 gift bags with weird pictures of cats wearing Santa hats BECAUSE THINK OF THE CATS AND WHAT THEY SACRIFICED SO YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO USE A SINGLE PAIR OF SCISSORS. It’s actually kind of selfish to NOT use gift bags, if you think about it.
#5 Christmas Hacks For Mom
PRE MAKE CHRISTMAS BREAKFAST
I have a variety of hacks for this one.
Have company? Tell those mooches that this is their responsibility and you want it on the table by 10:45 am or else tonight they get the bad air mattress.
Make a super lame quiche. Or you can get over the sexism of the name and make a wife saver for Christmas Morning Breakfast.
Or do what I do and put your husband in charge of this. But, do it carefully. Don’t give him more than he can handle. Why set the poor bastard up for failure? He probably shopped for a whole gift by himself this season and he’s tired. For the last few years, I have given mine the task ordering, picking up and paying for cinnamon buns from a local bakery. He hasn’t screwed it up yet, which means this is probably his job for the rest of his life. So while he struts around, setting the table like the Christmas champ he is, throw some bacon in the oven and make a quick boring fruit salad. Boring means, no kiwi or pineapple. If you want to make it fancy, drizzle generously with coconut rum and everyone will love it and you, and the world once it kicks in.
Remember, these are hacks. No one wants to spend Christmas morning coring a fucking pineapple, they want to spend it buzzed, like any normal person.
#6 Christmas Hacks For Moms
STOCK UP ON CHRISTMAS MOVIES
“Kids…..Guess what time it is? Christmas movie time! Everyone get their jammies on and Mommy will make popcorn and hot chocolate.”
Use this line every night before Christmas so you can get shit done. Trust me, it’s way better than saying how you really feel which is, ” If you little assholes keep acting like this, I am going to take all your stupid gifts and light them on fire in the backyard.”
#7 Christmas Hacks For Moms
USE STOVE TOP
Seriously, what the hell are you doing stuffing crumbled sausage up a turkey’s ass (and really, who was the first person who thought to do that? Were they just really angry at the turkey, but it turned out to be a delicious temper tantrum?). Just stop. Buy six boxes of stovetop and make it roughly seven minutes before you serve Christmas dinner. If you feel the need to get a little bit creative, then throw some walnuts and cranberries into that salty deliciousness. Boom.
#8 Christmas Hacks For Moms
DO SANTA PHOTOS THE SAME DAY AS THE CHRISTMAS CONCERT
You already have your drunken monkeys dressed nicely for the Christmas concert, you may as well stop at the shitty mall and get the photos done.
Listen, we got this.
We can do this. We’ve been over this Christmas Sucks For Moms. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it, shit, they even made a movie about it (which I think they stole from me, but that is another story for another day).
We are going to do it and we want to do it. So, let’s just do it. It only happens once a year.
Put on your big-girl panties. It’s going to be a long month.