Something weird has happened.
I’ve been being mean to myself.
Like, real mean.
So mean in fact, that I had to check myself last week and figure out the root of my nastiness towards myself.
See, I don’t treat myself this way.
I knew something was up and that I needed to sit and figure this out before I wrecked myself.
What did I find?
I found that instead of focusing on the positives of working out, eating healthy and cutting out my 2nd suppers (Yes, you read that correctly). I was beating myself up for working out for 30 minutes and not 45 minutes, eating ice cream and snacking at night. I was looking at my body as something I was not proud of instead of the chubby little temple that I adored.
So, I chose not to weigh in last week.
Well, not publicly at least.
I did weigh in last week, but not on my regular Wednesday, I did it on Friday.
And yes, I was down 1 lb.
Which was great. But, the fear of gaining, wasn’t why I didn’t want to weigh in. I didn’t want to weigh in because I didn’t want to treat myself like crap.
I have said before that I love weekly weigh ins on Weight Watchers. And I truly do. I mean that 100%. The last time I did the program, I didn’t do this to myself. I never had negative self talk.
Honestly, I am not sure why its happening.
I used to use my weight as a reason for everything in my life. It was the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend, it was the reason my friends never called me on a Saturday Night, it was the reason I wasn’t on the highschool Volleyball team, it was the reason I failed English in University and it was the reason I didn’t get into the school of my dreams. I lived this way from the time I was in Grade 4 and called “Fat Kyla Brown” for the first time, to when the girls at school wrote me a letter about how fat I was, to being picked on while riding the bus, to being told to “eat another cheeseburger” while dancing at the bar, to when I couldn’t fit in a desk at University.
I let my weight control me until I was 23 years old.
And then I did some emotional work and I haven’t let it control me for 15 glorious years.
Listen, when I talk about having a high sense of self, its true. When I post photos of me in my tankini, its because I think I am awesome looking. I know I am not traditionally beautiful. But, I am so into myself. I can’t walk by a mirror without adoring myself.
I shit you not.
I am super confused.
Is it the pressure of doing it publicly?
It might be.
I don’t know.
But, I am still doing this thing.
I might not weigh in weekly, but I am still going to continue to follow Weight Watchers and continue my bad ass journey to 199 lbs.
Please follow along on my journey, it can be funny, it can be boring, it can be raw, but please join me for the ride.