Imposter Mommy…..

Whirlwind is an actress.  She is very creative and will do anything for a laugh.

I have no idea where she gets this from…….

Ahem.

Dance class. School.  Hotel.  Gymnastics Class.  Baby.  Restaurant.

We play it all.

This morning she was putting on a concert.  I was told to “announce my entrance” , then to, “clap ONLY when I walk on stage”  and then to “pretend you are my Mommy.”

PRETEND YOU ARE MY MOMMY?

Wait a minute here….

That kid is on to me!

How the hell did she figure out that I have no idea what I am doing?

She must be watching other Mommy’s.

Damn those women who pack healthy snacks.

Damn those women who take the braids out of their daughters hair before they go to bed.

Damn those women who take both their kids to the pool at the same time.

Damn those women who make quinoa.

Damn those women who bathe their kids every night.

Damn those women who plan crafts.

Damn those women who wipe their kids faces after each meal.

Damn those women who pack extra baby wipes.

Damn those women who actually MAKE their own baby wipes.  Yes, its true. There is actually a recipe for that. And for your own bum cream. Sweet Jesus.

QUIT SHOWING ME UP, LADIES!

Dear Whirlwind,

I know that you are on to me.  I know that you know I am “pretending” to be a Mother.  And I know that you know, that I am just pulling “most of this parenting stuff” out of my ass.  But, please, sweetie, just keep pretending that I know what I am doing. Because, I love you kid and before you, I wasn’t much of anything good. Thanks for making me your Mommy.

Love, Weird Mommy

p.s Now let’s go pretend we are dogs and poop on your brother.

 

6 thoughts on “Imposter Mommy…..

  1. My kids may never know how to swim. If anyone has a problem with that (Hello Dad), please consider this your formal invitation to come to swim class with me because last time I checked, I was only one person and they are two.

    And, making one’s own baby wipes should be illegal. One word for you people: Consumerism. Let’s keep this economy going.

    Besos, Sarah

  2. You realize we all hate those other mothers! Plus I can’t even pronounce quinoa correctly so I certainly ain’t making the shit! You are perfect as you are!

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