So I Went Home…

I’m not very honest about what happens in my life.

I touch on it here and there on Mommy’s Weird, but unless you were looking for it and piecing it together, I am not sure you would know or understand.

It’s been heavy.

So I jumped on a plane and I went home.

Yes, I ran away from my home to go to my childhood home.

I don’t go home alone very often.

I did it a few years ago when my Mom had cancer removed in her lung.

I’ve sent Chris home to Ontario on his own a few times in the last 5 years. I could see that he needed it and pretty much forced him into doing it. As a wife, you see these things.

A husband doesn’t see them as much.

Don’t get me wrong. I won the husband lottery. But, Chris doesn’t often see when I am falling apart. I mean, he may see it, but doesn’t know what to do with it.

I needed to go home.

As my Dad has told me my entire life “It’s time to gather your roots.”

Maybe I wanted to hide from my life too. I don’t think there is anything wrong with admitting that. I mean, let’s be honest. It’s pretty obvious that was the plan.

I just needed to be Kyla for a while.

Not a Mom. Not a wife.

But, I wasn’t expecting what I got.

I got so much more than that in my week away, that I took selfishly as a mental break.

I’m in tears as I write this because what the visit did to me, was make me realize that I want to be with my parents more. I want to come home more. I want to walk to the post office, the old railroad trail and hike Wakpatanka with my Dad.  I want to drink coffee for three hours with my Mom and Dad. I want to listen to the radio with them. I want to read books while in the same room as them. I want to laugh with my Dad when my Mom gets mad at us.

Basically, I want to breathe the same air that they are breathing.

Something else happened.

In my mid-twenties, I hated my home town. I hated it for so many reasons. Too many to list. But, mostly because I hated myself when I lived there. I hated the person I was in my childhood and when I moved back home in my early twenties, because I had no where else to go.  I equated it with failure.

I don’t feel that way anymore.

Possibly it’s growing up. Or maybe it changed when I became a mother. Maybe it started when I decided to give myself permission to like the person that I am.

Things hit me like tsunami of emotion on this visit.

Sure, I was consumed with wanting to spend more time with my parents.

But there were some other things that I decided I wanted more of in my life.

I want to see more of my sister’s life. I want to sit in the Minnedosa rink with my brother and sister in law and watch my nephews play hockey. I want to drink too much wine with a friend and his parents. I want to yell at the conservative government with my friend’s while the other watches on in fear. I want to walk around the Miniota school with my friend who now teaches there. I want my friend’s kid to wave at me and ask me where my kid’s are. I want to meet childhood friends for a beer.

I’m aware that it was incredibly selfish. I can hear my Mother now saying “Poor Chris, having to take care of the kid’s.”

I had to rely on other’s for help so that I could have this week. I had to ask a lot of Chris.

Mostly, I had to ask a lot of myself to allow me this time too enjoy every second and not feel a smidgen of guilt.

And it worked.

Listen, I am not looking at real estate in rural Manitoba.

But, I am booking another trip in February.

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “So I Went Home…

  1. I hear you Kyla! Nobody realizes how much a person misses when they settle far away. I went home to move Dad and Mom off the farm into town. Lots of laughs, even some tears. I’ve spent many an hour sulking because the family was all gathered and myself and kids were missing it. I went to church with Mom and Dad and got my, Mr. Cornish bear hug! I missed your Mom though because she was recuperating! Sure missed hearing the organ! I’m always happy but since my kids are all grown, I find the need to see my parents more, to see my siblings and their families. To get home more often and stay a little longer!

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