How NOT to Ruin your Marriage This Summer

(This post was previously shared in July 2018)

Why people in relationships grow apart or allow their love to fade is one of life’s biggest mysteries. Unless you have kids. Then, the answer is as clear as day. They are doing this to you. They are ruining your relationship, time to find a great military school abroad, a school that goes all year. Just kidding. Seriously. The kids are little summer lights in our lives.

If you are looking to solidify your relationship this summer, instead of throwing your spouse out to the curb with that old shitty umbrella with the hole in it. There are a few important things you should avoid doing and some you should absolutely do.


1. If your significant other has gained a few pounds over the winter months and tries to put on their old bathing suit. DON’T tell them that they look like a beached whale caught in a net or that their ass looks hungry. DO pretend you don’t notice a difference, and if they point it out, pretend to faint from dehydration.

2. Your kids are home from school for summer break right now. This would put even the most tolerant parent in a bad mood. Think of it. The kids. Are at home. All day. Every day. If you work outside of the home and your partner is with the kids all day, they are liable to be a little bit snarky. DON’T blame it on menstruation, manstraution, them being hungry or the fact that their bathing suit doesn’t fit. DO take over with the kids, make dinner, give your significant other a backrub (without the expectation of playing hide the tip.) or enroll the kids in military school.

3. Notice the backyard needs mowing or the flowerbeds are full of weeds? DON’T nag until the sun goes down. DO it yourself or let it grow so high you have your very own backyard rainforest; the rainforest is an excellent idea as the kids can easily get lost in it. Win win.

4. Find a boat your want to purchase, or want to install an inground pool? DON’T just go ahead and get ‘er done, bringing the brand new boat home and parking it in your spouses spot or putting the pool in, floating around in it only to greet your partner with a huge bill. DO talk to your significant other before making a large summer purchase. You want to avoid being drowned… in debt.

5. Feeling frisky and tired at the same time? Again, we can blame that on the kids. Face it we love them but they are little energy suckers. DON’T avoid the summer lovin’, after all it will have you a blast. DO put on that bathing suit, even if it doesn’t fucking fit, feel fabulous about yourself and get some. The kids may have ruined your body but they don’t have to ruin your summer sex life.

All in all if you want to keep your love life in tact over those hot summer months, it’s probably a good idea to avoid being a complete asshole.

Jen is a 32 year old work at home mother of two wonderful little cherubs age 7 and 10. She writes for with a 7 year old on her head, a dog barking at nothing and a 10 year old making weird noises in her ear. Send Wine.