I suffer from Mother’s Guilt, constantly.
Today I went to a zumba class, I came home, refreshed and happy. I mean who wouldn’t be, I just danced my chubby, booty shaking, breast bouncing body for an hour to some kick ass tunes. It was beyond a great way to start today.
As I drove home, I was grinning ear to ear. I kept thinking to myself, “Why don’t I do that more often?”. Once I got home I yelled to my family that I was home.
“How was it?” My husband yelled back.
“Fantastic.” I replied.
Then I hung my coat, put my keys in my purse and walked into the living room. Immediately, I felt sick.
I shouldn’t have gone to that class.
I should have stayed home.
The dishwasher needs to be emptied. I need to make a list for Christmas cards. There was an email to look into about some rewards points. The kids need lunch. We need snacks for the babysitter. Zed has things that he wants to do.
I find it hard to explain my feelings to anyone. Because I know what I stated above sounds like I am feeling guilty about a “to do list”. But, that’s not quite it. I get overwhelmed with this feeling that I am not doing enough. That I shouldn’t be taking time for myself because there are so many other things to be done. But, that is also not quite it either. It’s so hard to explain.
The next thing that happened is pretty typical of me, when I feel crappy about something I take it out on someone else.
Obviously Zed was the closest thing near me and I snapped at him for no reason. Truly. No reason.
“What are you talking about?” He said while shaking his head.
As he walked out of the room I yelled, “So, you got to go to poker last night and I can’t go to zumba?”
“I never said that.”
“I am sorry. I just feel guilty.” I told him.
“Don’t feel guilty. No one said you couldn’t go to zumba.”
He is right.
Except, someone did say it, I said it.
I told myself that it wasn’t okay to go. I told myself that there were things that needed to be done. I tell myself a ton of really awful things. It’s pretty ridiculous.
But time and time again it all comes down to guilt.
I feel guilty for showering.
I feel guilty for working out.
I feel guilty for not being a better housewife.
I feel guilty for going to yoga.
I feel guilty for going away on a girls weekend.
I feel guilty for working.
I feel guilty all the time.
Yes, I feel I am worth it. Yes, I feel that I deserve these things. But, it doesn’t stop the guilt from creeping in.
Before kids I don’t remember ever feeling this kind of guilt. Sure, I had guilt of kissing my friend’s ex boyfriend. Or for stealing my parents vodka. But, this was different. I can’t seem to shake this new feeling. I remember feeling it when I went back to work after my first mat leave.
I’m tired of it. I want it to go away.
Does it go away?