Pantyhose Suck…

Before Shayna tells you about why panty hose suck, first you should know that I hit Jillian Michaels on t.v with Tyra Banks watching. 

 

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Have you ever been to Regina?  No.  Don’t worry about it.  There is only a few things you will miss when driving through and one of them is my friend Shayna. In fact, I miss her every time I drive through Regina. But, I do it on purpose and she still loves me. Even when I call her Sheena.  Meet Regina’s sexiest red head…

Once upon a time I promised this funny blogger chick I know that I would do a guest post for her. And then I didn’t. Yep, that’s right. I suck. Correction, I sucked. I hope to be cleared of all charges of suckiness with this post, which by the way, contains the word suck, a lot.

I was getting dressed for work this morning and ended up engaged in an all out battle with a pair of pantyhose. As I was sitting, standing, squirming, there quietly spewing profanities at my unmentionables a brilliant idea struck me. I must blog this shit. I must blog this shit for Kyla.

Now if there is one thing I hate, besides pantyhose, it is writing and then posting something that’s already been done to death. So, like any good blogger I hit the google. This is what I learned. Don’t google “pantyhose suck”. I now live with the fear that my computer will be confiscated by the “dirty mother” authorities. The things I do for my friends.

So, be warned – pantyhose sucks may have been blogged before. I quickly abandoned my research. So if I’m typing crap that’s already been done, oh well, suck it.

Now back to the pantyhose. I’m not a particularly big person. I’m neither wide nor tall. I’m an average size small – but I have to buy my pantyhose in QUEEN size. Seriously, queen size. Thank God I don’t give a rat’s ass about vanity sizing (crap I feel another rant coming on). I don’t care if those pantyhose say “tent” size on them. I will gladly give up any pride I have if it means I can get my hands on a pair that actually fit.

Watching a woman struggle to put on a pair of pantyhose is not a pretty sight (contrary to what that google search told me). It is a hideous display of frustration, determination and defiance of the laws of nature. It all starts innocently enough. You sit prettily on the edge of the bed, daintily getting one foot in the hose. You pull the garment up to your knee. But then, you go to get your other foot in and WTF? Seriously, WTF happened here? I know that when I started everything was well planned out. The feet of the demonic pantyhose were pointed in the right direction. The left foot was left and the right foot was right. But now I have this twisted mess of beige bullshit. There is no reason for this. None at all. CRAP.

Ok so I do a little Houdini on the pantyhose and we are all straightened out and good to go. I manage to get the left foot in. Now the real fun begins. Pulling the suckers up. It’s a little like playing Jenga. Whatever you do to one side you have to do to the other side. It’s a delicate balance of pull, wiggle, shimmy. I’m almost there. Or so I thought. I’m pretty much out of pantyhose here but the “panty” part isn’t anywhere near where panties should be. It’s time to see how much stretch these suckers really have. And then it happens. You don’t really hear it. You feel it. That tiny little ripple that quickly spreads down the back of your leg. No I didn’t pee myself. That would have pissed me off far less to be honest. Nothing that a little tissue can’t fix. No, that, my friends, is a run. I have been defeated by the pantyhose. There is no coming back from this. It doesn’t matter how tiny that run might be, it’s over. Once it’s started it cannot be stopped. These pantyhose will self destruct in 3-2-1….

I know what you’re thinking. Why not wear thigh highs? Do not get me started! I think I’ll just put my pants back on until it’s warm enough for me to actually care enough to shave my legs and not have to work up a sweat and need to take a Prozac to cover them up.

 

Wife, mother to an exhausting but adorable three year old, photographer, executive administrator and a mighty fine cook – Shayna wears a lot of hats.  You can find her over at Mommy Outside the Box where you will find stories and musings (of the G rated type), photos, reviews, giveaways, recipes (lots of recipes) and a whole lot more.  You can also connect with her on the twitterverse at @MommyOustide.

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I have also had a weird panty hose experience, you can read about it here.

5 thoughts on “Pantyhose Suck…

  1. Pantyhose totally suck. Blogged about it once. But, you probably saw it when you Googled it.

    The thing that bothers me the most is the seams. I’ve been meaning to make millions patenting seamless pantyhose (don’t bother telling me, I know that they already exist).

    Personally, I love it when the crotch of my pantyhose hangs down below the hem of my skirt. Everyone’s doing it…

    Besos, Sarah

  2. I gave up wearing pantyhose when I had a kid and realized that every time I put on a pair I would end up with a 12 inch run in it before 9AM. There used to be this indestructible pair of pantyhose that was made by Wonderbra. They were the best thing ever. And then Wonderbra stopped making them indestructible. I’m pretty sure it was a conspiracy to force women to cough up more money because we were able to wear a pair of them more than once. These days, they’re so fragile that if I don’t put on hand lotion first, I’ll have holes before I ever get them past my ankles.

    Also, is there a term for when the top of the control top panty hose begins to roll down on you, forming a tight noose of agony? I think we should coin one. Maybe the Ring of Constrictive Death?

  3. I just realized that the next time some poor sucker googles “pantyhose suck” this is what they’ll get. Mixed in with all that eye popping smut I found. You can thank me later.

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