I’m Struggling…

Some days are just hard.

Some weeks are really hard.

Some months are really hard.

I’m struggling.

I’m really struggling.

There is nothing that you can do to help. I’m not sick. My children are healthy. We have jobs. We have a roof over our heads. We are not financial need of anything. I don’t need you to bring me a casserole.

I just need to admit out loud that I am struggling. That if I take the moment to admit what is actually happening everything will be okay.

Having little kids was really hard.  I wasn’t a huge fan of it.

I always felt like I was drowning. That I was failing.

And I was. There is no other way to say it.

But, I feel like back then I had an excuse to be failing at things. My kids were little, I was sleep deprived, we were living on one income and a mat leave, yadayadayada.

Now, I feel mostly disappointed in myself that I don’t have it all together.

Like, I don’t have an excuse anymore. That now that our children are in school, I am supposed to have it all together.

I want an excuse for not putting the laundry away or for cooking chicken nuggets for dinner three times a week.

It felt easier.

Now, I just feel overwhelmed and shitty about things.

I’m usually pretty good at letting things go, but not lately.

My mind is racing with things I should be doing or should have completed.

Get chicken breasts out of the freezer.

Buy coffee cream.

Send in the warranty papers.

Order photos from 2010 to 2017.

Dust.

Organize the kid’s craft drawer.

Clean out my wallet.

Buy tampons.

Return the field trip form.

Some days I can see through it all. I can give myself grace for not being able to have it all together.

But, not lately.

Lately, it’s been hard.

Maybe harder than usual.

Maybe I am being harder on myself than usual.

I guess I’m not sure.

I just feel like everything is getting harder now that the kids are getting older.

That dance is getting more expensive.

That baseball practice is at a bad time of day.

That my husband going to school is causing stress.

That the piano teacher expects too much.

That I have taken on too many clients.

When does it magically all just come together?

Wait. Don’t answer that.

Don’t answer that.

I think I know the answer.

It’s when I say it does.

It’s when I let things go and realize that I am never going to be the person that has all her ducks in a row. That the “junk cupboard” will always be piled high with school papers, old magazine, cell phone bills and crafts.

I might always struggle.

I might only struggle for another week.

I might struggle for another month.

I might just struggle for today.

Maybe watching Scandal and eating chips won’t fix things. But, it sure as hell helps.

 

 

 

 

 

 

13 thoughts on “I’m Struggling…

  1. I’m in the same boat. But I found talking about it helps. Maybe find a counsellor to speak to, having someone who wasn’t invested in my life to vent to was huge. There is no shame in the struggle and you are not alone. Just remember that social media has made parenting harder. We see everyone’s highlight reel and we feel like we’re living the blooper/outtakes reel by comparison. Just remember you are loved and sometimes that has to be enough.
    You are strong, you are smart, you are loved, you are enough just as you are! ❤️

  2. We’ve all been here. I think we’re too hard on ourselves. Now I have all the kid admin to one hour a week. Same with the house. I’ll set a time like 7pm Tuesday and get as much done as I can, then I’m done. Batching is saving me these days.

  3. I feel ya! I have been in a bit of a funk and feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all. This too shall pass. It’s all about acceptance!

  4. Well let me tell you I am in a similar situation. My job of 17+yrs was stressing me to the max so I finally quit. Now we struggle financially until f’ing EI decides to or not to pay me, its been over two months and they still do not have it figured out yet. In the mean time I am taking college courses through distance ed, cooking, cleaning (when it happens) running a 5 and 7yr old to sports. I am also helping out my 18yr old son, his girlfriend and their adorable little guy as they are living with us for a few months or so. I feel like I have been on the road for two months between a premature baby in the NICU, then home but needing to go to appointments, my two sick kids, a sick me etc. And you would think that being at home (hardly ever) I could have decent meals on the table at a decent time, laundry done and folded, vacuuming done etc., I don’t. So let us sit and drink a beer and eat those chips and realize that we are human, we are only one person and we can only do so much. Love ya Kyla

  5. I get it. On the surface it is all coming up roses but GAH. The reality in the thick of it is not roses at all. I am trying to sort my priorities and to stop doing the things that I hate and start doing things that I say are my dreams. It is still hard but at least the hard seems like it has a purpose.

  6. Hugs Kyla but damn I feel you sister. My house is crazy, we eat nuggets and hotdogs at least 3 times a week. I feel like I will never have it all together but you know what, I don’t care about all that crap. My kids are loved, my kids are happy. My husband and I are in a great place and our marriage. All the other crap is just that, crap. Hang in there Hun. I’m over hear sitting on 6 loads of laundry if you want to talk ❤️❤️

  7. The truth is that we all struggle with the crazy schedule…….. even those that appear to have it all together all the time….

    Your kids will be fine and so will u❤️❤️❤️

  8. You are most definitely *not* alone. I know it’s of little consolation that I have three loads of laundry that need to be folded and put away and more in the dryer (Thing 2 cleaned her closet as my Mother’s Day “gift”.)
    *head desk*
    (She was sweet and did it on her own and well I am the adult so I am dealing… as best I can.. which is not great, but whatever!), but at the very least, I hope you know that a bunch of us “get” it. We just do.

    Hugs mamma! You’ve got this. (Eventually. I swear. I have heard. I am just going to keep hoping!)

  9. Oh my friend, I really do get it. I pretty much feel like a walking disaster on a daily basis. I take on too much, then get stressed by all the things I’m not doing (my house is a mega disaster right now and we’re out of groceries). We just need to be open about these things and talk…love you xoxo

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