Have you ever held a grudge? If so, how long have you been holding that grudge for?
Wait. Before I go on say the word grudge.
Now say it again. And again.
Sounds so stupid. Almost as stupid as holding a grudge, I guess.
I like to think that I don’t hold grudges.
But, I do hold on to the memory. Which quite possibly might be the exact same thing.
If you hurt me or wrong me, I will not forget. To me, that is a bit different than holding a grudge. I will not wish you harm. I will not have a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment towards you. I will smile at you in the supermarket and say hello. But, I won’t forget what a psycho you are.
It’s in my nature.
Remembering every single person that every called me fat, will forever be ingrained in me.
I hate that. I don’t want to remember that. I don’t want to run into them when I am visiting my parents and have that as the first thing that pops into my mind when I see them mowing their lawn with their kids playing street hockey in their driveway.
Ugh. I hate that my brain does that.
I hate that I am still a bit mad at Kelly for making out with Dylan while Brenda was in Paris.
Do you think we are hardwired to hold grudges? That it is just part of being a human?
I mean, who really benefits from this?
Somethings are hard to forget.
Somethings are not worth holding on to.
Somethings are not worth your time and energy.
I know a few people that hold grudges waaaaaaaay too long.
I have a friend who was hurt by another friend like a decade ago. She can’t seem to shake the hurt. That seems a bit different than a grudge.
Seriously, girl, you gotta let that shit go. I get that forgetting is really hard. But, holding on to a grudge is poison. It sucks up your energy. It’s eating you up. It’s bringing you down. It doesn’t deserve your awesomeness.
It’s the holding on that we need to learn to let go.
Or maybe, I’m wrong and its is the remembering that is the key. So we don’t repeat the mistakes over and over and over. Maybe we learn not to open our heart. Maybe we learn not to share our deepest secrets with someone who doesn’t deserve to hear them.
I don’t want to live in a world that guarded.
But maybe just maybe remembering is a way of becoming a better person. Maybe those moments will help me parent my children in an enlightened way.
I have another friend who forgives people really easily. People don’t even apologize to her and she has already forgiven them. Sometimes I wish she wasn’t like that. Sometimes I wish she would post a passive aggressive meme on social media.
I think she is a super human. I think she has evolved passed the rest of us.
I’m not sure I want to live in a world like that either.
You don’t get to hurt me and have me forgive you that easily.
I want to live my life like a Brene Brown book with Eminem as the soundtrack.
One half of acceptance and the other half of don’t fuck with me.
So tell me, are you holding a grudge?