Something weird has happened.
I’ve been being mean to myself.
Like, real mean.
So mean in fact, that I had to check myself last week and figure out the root of my nastiness towards myself.
See, I don’t treat myself this way.
I knew something was up and that I needed to sit and figure this out before I wrecked myself.
What did I find?
I found that instead of focusing on the positives of working out, eating healthy and cutting out my 2nd suppers (Yes, you read that correctly). I was beating myself up for working out for 30 minutes and not 45 minutes, eating ice cream and snacking at night. I was looking at my body as something I was not proud of instead of the chubby little temple that I adored.
So, I chose not to weigh in last week.
Well, not publicly at least.
I did weigh in last week, but not on my regular Wednesday, I did it on Friday.
And yes, I was down 1 lb.
Which was great. But, the fear of gaining, wasn’t why I didn’t want to weigh in. I didn’t want to weigh in because I didn’t want to treat myself like crap.
I have said before that I love weekly weigh ins on Weight Watchers. And I truly do. I mean that 100%. The last time I did the program, I didn’t do this to myself. I never had negative self talk.
Honestly, I am not sure why its happening.
I used to use my weight as a reason for everything in my life. It was the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend, it was the reason my friends never called me on a Saturday Night, it was the reason I wasn’t on the highschool Volleyball team, it was the reason I failed English in University and it was the reason I didn’t get into the school of my dreams. I lived this way from the time I was in Grade 4 and called “Fat Kyla Brown” for the first time, to when the girls at school wrote me a letter about how fat I was, to being picked on while riding the bus, to being told to “eat another cheeseburger” while dancing at the bar, to when I couldn’t fit in a desk at University.
I let my weight control me until I was 23 years old.
And then I did some emotional work and I haven’t let it control me for 15 glorious years.
Listen, when I talk about having a high sense of self, its true. When I post photos of me in my tankini, its because I think I am awesome looking. I know I am not traditionally beautiful. But, I am so into myself. I can’t walk by a mirror without adoring myself.
I shit you not.
I am super confused.
Is it the pressure of doing it publicly?
It might be.
I don’t know.
But, I am still doing this thing.
I might not weigh in weekly, but I am still going to continue to follow Weight Watchers and continue my bad ass journey to 199 lbs.