Weird Weigh in 8 and 9…

Something weird has happened.

I’ve been being mean to myself.

Like, real mean.

So mean in fact, that I had to check myself last week and figure out the root of my nastiness towards myself.

See, I don’t treat myself this way.

I knew something was up and that I needed to sit and figure this out before I wrecked myself.

What did I find?

I found that instead of focusing on the positives of working out, eating healthy and cutting out my 2nd suppers (Yes, you read that correctly). I was beating myself up for working out for 30 minutes and not 45 minutes, eating ice cream and snacking at night.  I was looking at my body as something I was not proud of instead of the chubby little temple that I adored.

So, I chose not to weigh in last week.

Well, not publicly at least.

I did weigh in last week, but not on my regular Wednesday, I did it on Friday.

And yes, I was down 1 lb.

Which was great. But, the fear of gaining, wasn’t why I didn’t want to weigh in. I didn’t want to weigh in because I didn’t want to treat myself like crap.

I have said before that I love weekly weigh ins on Weight Watchers. And I truly do. I mean that 100%. The last time I did the program, I didn’t do this to myself. I never had negative self talk.

Honestly, I am not sure why its happening.

I used to use my weight as a reason for everything in my life. It was the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend, it was the reason my friends never called me on a Saturday Night, it was the reason I wasn’t on the highschool Volleyball team, it was the reason I failed English in University and it was the reason I didn’t get into the school of my dreams. I lived this way from the time I was in Grade 4 and called “Fat Kyla Brown” for the first time, to when the girls at school wrote me a letter about how fat I was, to being picked on while riding the bus, to being told to “eat another cheeseburger” while dancing at the bar, to when I couldn’t fit in a desk at University.

I let my weight control me until I was 23 years old.

And then I did some emotional work and I haven’t let it control me for 15 glorious years.

Listen, when I talk about having a high sense of self, its true. When I post photos of me in my tankini, its because I think I am awesome looking.  I know I am not traditionally beautiful. But, I am so into myself.  I can’t walk by a mirror without adoring myself.

I shit you not.

So……….

I am super confused.

Is it the pressure of doing it publicly?

It might be.

I don’t know.

But, I am still doing this thing.

I might not weigh in weekly, but I am still going to continue to follow Weight Watchers and continue my bad ass journey to 199 lbs.

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Please follow along on my journey, it can be funny, it can be boring, it can be raw, but please join me for the ride. 

 

 

23 thoughts on “Weird Weigh in 8 and 9…

  1. I have been following your journey, quietly watching because I was scared for you……and me. we are about the same weight and I am generally in a good place with it. I love my self and my life and I don’t let it stop me from anything. I wa scared you would get to this point and I want to tell you it is ok to be who you are and happy with you as you are . Love yourself , you are fabulous, you deserve it and you are worthy. I know sometimes we play messy head games but turn off that voice and get back to living and being happy and all the rest will fall into place. Sending you love and support!

    1. I have been wanting to reply to what you wrote to me for a while. But, wasn’t sure of the words to use. I love that you get me. Its so tricky to explain. Thanks for your comment. It means a lot to me.

  2. Kick ass Kyla. You are such an inspiration to me everyday. I want to be you when I grow up. Which is ironic because I’m five years older. Anyhooo… Thanks for being you. And I also want shit kick whoever called you fat Kyla.
    Xoxoxoxo

  3. I know what it feels like to be called names, I too was called ‘Fat Natalie’ in grade school. I’ve been on the weight watchers program twice and found it very helpful. Positive thinking an realizing her own inner thoughts is important and I’m cheering for you!

  4. Hi Kyla

    I wish you continued success in your journey and I know you will figure out how to find that inner kindness you have and shine it back on yourself. To me you are more than traditionally beautiful. You are stunning. You make people you hardly know feel so welcome and loved. I think you’re just a little out of focus. Breathe. Center yourself. Forgive yourself for taking things out on the person in the mirror. Feel the good, embrace the good, this is a journey of lots of ups and downs.

    Enjoy the ride beautiful.
    Xoxo
    Patty

  5. I wish I could look in a mirror and like what I see. it’s never happened. Fat, skinny….whatever. I’ve been so down on myself especially lately after working out hard for 5 weeks to jump on the scale to reveal….a bit fat zero!!.. I gave up chips and wine for that?

    Tell me your secret.

  6. You have been my friend since we were like 2 and 4 or something like that. I don’t believe I ever thought you were fat nor did I ever call you that to your face or behind your back. You were Kyla and you were(are) awesome! Love you girl.

  7. Kids are assholes. Look what their badgering turned you into though… A confident and beautiful woman with a fabulous life full of love. Thank you assholes for giving us our Kyla. She inspires and that is a gift. Congrats girl. We know you can do it!

    1. I didn’t want the post to be mostly focused on that. I wanted it to be about the journey. But its hard not to dwell on that bull shit from days ago.

  8. I’m not sad or surprised that you were treated that way because I was treated that way too. But I do know that those of us who trudged through those stages of life in our chubby bodies and still came out awesome in the end have something more than a skinny arse, and that’s a sense of self. You’ll get through this because deep down you know how awesome you are and that awesome can’t be taken away because you didn’t lose a pound or because you gained 15 pounds. Rock on my friend.

  9. Aww… Kyla. You *know* how awesome you are, no matter how much you weigh. It’s so easy to let this shit get to you, and sadly people are really excellent at being mean to themselves. Nobody wants to struggle especially when people are watching. Try and remember that most of us who are watching are struggling ourselves and totally supporting you. I’m glad you noticed it and got on top of it. You’re amazing, lady.

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