Momma's Going To Par-Tay....

My Book Group is going to Vegas in a few days. And, I have become super annoying about it.


I keep doing this to Whirlwind.


Me:  "Where is Mommy going?"


Whirlwind:  "Momma's going to PAR-TAY!"


So, I won't be blogging for a few days because I am going to be super drunk.


Just in case you miss me and my obnoxious behaviours Here are a few oldies but goodies.  Ugh, did I just say that? I guess I really am a Radio DJ. Well, a really bad Radio DJ.


Big Body Parts


He Got Up and Left?


Whoa... During The Day?


Sticky Fingers


I Don't Know How She Does It



Remember what happens in Vegas ends up on my blog. Sadly, I am pretty sure most of it will be food related.  I hope they have stocked up on all you can eat bacon.  And perogies.  And deep fried stuff.

Ever Eaten A Snake?

I am obsessed with what people eat. I have recently noticed its the first thing I ask when people return from a holiday.


Or from their parents.


Or from lunch.


Zed met a friend for lunch. So, I was curious to know what he ordered.


"A steak sandwich", he said. 


 " A SNAKE SANDWICH!"  Whirlwind screamed from the kitchen table.  Poor little thing. She was horrified.


Almost as horrified as the time I told her that she was born a monkey. And that we found her under a tree in the jungle and the doctor took off her tail to keep as a skipping rope.

Me and Axl Rose

There have been a few instances in my life where I have seen people "lose it". Or better yet, where I have seen people "lose it" on me.

Instance #1

I was running with "The Jiggling Diva's."  It was 8:30 a.m. on a beautiful Sunday morning.  It was peaceful and quiet. Not a person to be seen. We were chatting, laughing and having a wonderful morning.

Mostly, wonderful because none of us were hungover.

Which is a huge deal for a Sunday Morning with my "Jiggling Diva's" Running Gals.

Two of the gals were running on the sidewalk and I was running beside them on the road.

Not a vehicle in sight.

Then a truck.

Coming towards us.

I didn't move from my spot on the road, because the truck was not really a concern. I mean, we were running towards traffic, there wasn't another vehicle in sight and there was a passing lane.

Plus, it was a beautiful sunny Sunday Morning and I was grinning ear to ear during a perfect morning run with my friends.

Well,  I thought things were perfect

The truck got right in front of us and the lady lost her mind.  I could see her yelling at me, I could see her arms flailing.  She was out of control mad at me being on the road.  She was no where near me.  But, close enough that I could see her bright red face and darting eyes.

It was almost comical.

But, very shocking at the same time.

Who could be that angry on a Sunday Morning?

Who could be that angry at a beautiful  fat lady getting some exercise with a big stupid grin on her face and huge bouncing breasts?

I like to think she didn't yell at her kids that day.


Instance #2

I was on air and had just played a Guns' N Roses song.  I came on air and said something like this,

"That was Patience, by Guns' N Roses, on 100.2 Rock Me FM, and lately it feels like Patience is what you need when it comes to Axl Rose, he just cancelled a couple of concerts and he's always making us wait for new albums..... How you doing? I'm Kyla  it's 3:14 and the latest from Nickleback is up next."

Out of the corner of my eye I see the phone is lighting up.

FYI:  Phones don't ring in on air booths, they light up.

I answer the phone and hear something like this....

Woman:  "Axl Rose is awesome. You are a fucking loser. Guns N' Roses is the best fucking band."

Me:  " I know.  I love Guns N' Roses.  I just can't wait til they come out with new music."

Now she is a  Really Angry Woman,  "Fuck you. You are so fucking annoying, why don't you go cow out another kid?!"

I sat there for a moment just holding the phone, then I started laughing.  It was so awkward and shocking to me that I didn't know what to do but laugh.

Then she hung up the phone.

I sat there with the phone in my hand for another second.

What the hell just happened?  And why wasn't I taping that call?!!!!

I'm not a fucking loser.

I am a fucking idiot.

That was radio gold to play for my co workers.


Forget the fact that someone was that invested in Axl Rose and Guns N' Roses.

But, another woman just told me to "GO COW OUT ANOTHER KID! "

Who talks like that?

Seriously.

Who talks like that?

An asshole.

That's who. An asshole talks like that.

Now, that lady was most definitely on her way home to beat her kids. Until I saved the day.  And all it took was a little Guns N' Roses.

Me and Axl Rose.

Super Hero's.

We're just saving one kid at a time.

Protein, Carbs and Listening....

At breakfast the other morning, Whirlwind handed me some toy wooden bread and made a comment that frightened me.


She said, "Here's your protein, Mommy."


What frightened me was the fact that she thinks bread is protein.


Umm.....Time to get with it, kid.


Bread is a carbohydrate.


What are they teaching you at preschool?


Colouring?


Sheesh.


But what really bothered me the most is that my little girl really knows what is going on. She really hears us.  We need to be a whole lot more careful about what we say at our house. We are heading towards a disaster.


One of these days we are going to get totally busted.


Mental Note: Do not talk about other people, especially Auntie, while Whirlwind is within listening distance.


And then I realized, that Whirlwind can actually listen.


You little turkey.


You can actually hear me when I ask you to put your books away. Or when I ask you to quit hitting your brother. And when I ask you to take your finger out of your nose.


You little listening turkey.


Side note: I actually wanted to call her a little jerk or a little bugger, but I wasn't sure if that was appropriate to say in my blog.


 Meh.

Are You My Mother?

My children love to read.


My kids will read for hours.  Upon hours. We have even reached the point where 4 year old Whirlwind will read to 18 month Baby Bot. It's heavenly. And by far my most favourite thing to watch.


I love to read to them. I just hate reading the same book over and over and over.


I do everything I can to convince them to not make me read, Pajama Time  or Green Eggs and Ham or Dr. Seuss's ABC: An Amazing Alphabet Book!


Please put pins in my eyes.


Someone.


Anyone?


Please.


Make it stop.


And, I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am starting to get tired of "Arthur."


I fucking love "Arthur".


Mostly, I love his house.  I know its a cartoon. But, I love their furniture.  Whoever decorates for Arthur's family is a genius. My favourite is his bedroom.

I'm a little bit sick, I know.  Remember, I am also attracted to Calliou's Dad.

Any ways....


I have memorized every book we own.  So, I am a bit embarrassed to say its taken me this long to realize, that one of our family favourites is very wrong.

Why can't the dog, the cow or the snort be the Baby Birds Mother?

Why does the bird have to be the birds Mother?

As I tell Whirlwind, "All families are different."

I think a more appropriate title would be, "Are You My Biological Mother?"

So, go and fix that P.D. Eastman and Dr. Seuss. 

P.s   Something super duper exciting has happened.  I was named an Inspiring Woman at Mildred & Doris!  Never have kinder words been said about me. Well, okay, Zed and I wrote our wedding vows and what he said to me was pretty damn spectacular. So this is a close second. I am also fantastically good looking and there is a picture of me. So hurry up and take a look.

Two hours...

Sunday is Mothers Day.

I don't want anything fancy.  Please no jewellery and definitely no flowers.

All I want is two hours.

Two hours by myself in the bathroom.

Two hours with no one pulling at the shower curtain.

Two hours with no one knocking on the door.

Two hours to shave any part of my body that I feel like shaving. 

Two hours to deep condition.

Two hours to use a loofah.

Two hours to use bubble bath.

Two hours to exfoliate.

Two hours without hearing the words, "Mommy" or "Are you done yet?"

Two hours with no one "going boom boom" while I have a bath.

Two hours to make my own "boom boom".

My own boom boom?

Wow. 

On Sunday, I am going to have a "boom boom" with no one bothering me.  It will be the "boom boom" of all "boom booms". It will be The Mother Of All Boom Booms!

Happy Mothers Day!

Vodka, Puke....Take A Shot...

Growing up in a small town has really sucked for a lot of things in my life.  Mainly anything to do with my self esteem.  I have such a love/hate relationship with my home town.

Whoa.

Deep.

Sorry about that. I refuse to get "deep" again on this blog. Unless I am talking about the movie, "Deep Throat."



But, the one thing it has given me that I will forever be thankful for is wonderful friends.  Do I think that they are sitting around and talking about what an idiot I am on their "ladies nights"?  Sometimes. But, in the exact  same breath, that is what I love about my friends from back home.


They are honest. They are funny.  And most importantly, they drink.

But, I like most of them more now that I have moved away from home.

Some friends are better from a distance.

:)

See that?  That was a passive aggressive smiley face.

I do have something I would like to share.


I have fallen in love.

I have fallen in love with a television show. Surprise, Surprise.  It is called Best Friends Forever. If you have a best friend that you can truly be an ass around then you will be able to relate to this show.

Watching this show is what having a best friend is all about.  It is quirky, it is fun and it is perfect.  If you are not watching this show. You must.  I really, really, really think you will like it.

I have blogged before about wanting a best friend like I had when I was a kid 

But when I think back to it, I guess I really want the friends I had in college.  Now those were girls that you could truly absolutely be 100% yourself around.  My greatest memories of true friendship are with my Radio Girls.  Who else would pour a beer over your head?  Who else would steal dumb things like a remote control, Subway Restaurant signs and computer chairs?  Who else would help you lie about your brother being Wayne Gretzky?  Who else would encourage you to eat 40 wings, six beer and then eat a Dairy Queen Blizzard? Who else would hold your hair as you threw up in the bar bathroom and then give you a tequila shot?

Sweet Jesus. 

Anyone know of a Mennonite Private School I can send my daughter too?

Just Press Play....

I have really interesting conversations with Whirlwind while we are in the car.  Today we were on our way to pick up one of her friends for a morning play date.

Here is our conversation...

Me: "Now when your friend comes over, you do not hit him, you do not lock him in your room and you have to remember to share."

Whirlwind: "What about kick? I'm not allowed to kick him, right?"

Me:  "Right."

I have a feeling we have had this conversation before.  I am thinking about Tupac'ing myself into a hologram.

Big Mac Attack....

A friend of mine needs to lose weight.

Her doctor told her so.

I know you think this is me pretending to be "a friend of mine".  It's not.

It's not me , I swear. Okay. Yes, my doctor, physiotherapist, acupuncturist and massage therapist all think I need to lose weight.  I am pretty sure my hair dresser, daycare provider, sister in law, house cleaner and
co workers all think the same thing.

But, this isn't me.

Seriously.

So, "a friend of mine", took her family out to McDonald's for supper and who was sitting at the table beside her?

Her doctor.

And guess what "a friend of mine" was eating?

A salad.

I love this story.  Mostly, I love it because people make assumptions about people. And, I love that my friend was sitting there enjoying a salad and making some pretty impressive choices. Some choices that I refuse to make.  Salad and McDonalds? I don't think so.

But, for me the best part about this story is the Doctor.   Because Doctors need a Big Mac Attack too.