Pregnancy Induced Sex Dreams....

Pregnant Lily on "How I Met Your Mother", is bringing me so much joy.  The writers have nailed it.  Having a person inside of you is a hot comedic mess.  Lily is  a hilarious wreck.  And its such a refreshing change.


Speaking of a refreshing change on television....


Are you watching, "Up All Night"?

I love, I love, I love this show.


You need to watch this show.


I love everything about it.


Plus, Watching Will Arnett as a father is such a damn turn on. 


ROWR.


I love this show, because I think I am the main female character.  I think I am Reagan. Reagan is everything I ever wanted to be in life.


Sigh.....


Yes, a television character is living my dream life. 



Betchya that's the first time you ever heard that?



Back to Pregnant Lily and  "How I Met Your Mother".....

In last weeks episode, Marshall was getting jealous of Lily's pregnancy induced sex dreams.  And it reminded me of my "greatest hits album" of pregnancy induced sex dreams.  

In no particular order;

I have had a pregnancy induced sex dream about Eddie Murphy.

I have had a pregnancy induced sex dream about me and tree.

And, I should win "Album of the Year", for this next one....

I have had a pregnancy induced sex dream about me and Tim Hortons Coffee Cup.

And you thought your pregnancy induced sex dreams were good?  Ha. Beat that.

Why Is Everyone Hugging?

When did this happen?

It feels like everyone decided that the best way to say "hello"  was with a hug.  

I was definitely not doing this in High School and University.  

Sidenote: I was doing some other really inappropriate ways of saying hello.  I guess I should have been giving hugs instead.  Might have saved my reputation for a year or two.

Any ways....

I've been trying to pinpoint the year this must have happened to society.  

Can we blame "Friends"? 

Joey and Chandler hugged a lot.

And I mean a lot.

Surprisingly, I've become a hugger. Mostly, because I think I am supposed to be. 

I meet my Hot Mom's for sushi....I give them a hug. Why? I just saw them yesterday!

I see someone who gave me a donation for my Relay for Life Team...I give them a hug. Wouldn't just a simple "thank you" do?

I run into the midwives who delivered my children and suddenly my arms are open wide. It's like my brain is chanting, HUG, HUG, HUG!  Well, maybe hugging the women who delivered your children is a bit  different.  I mean, they have already seen my vagina.  At its worst. Or actually, at its best. Depends who you ask.

Where was I?

Right. Hugging. Damn Vagina Talk.

So....

I'm still a bit confused by all the hugging going on.

At the mall, I'm noticing teenagers running up to each other and giving hugs. Boys to girls, girls to girls, girls to boys, boys to boys. I don't get it.  I am pretty damn sure you JUST saw each other in third period.

Whirlwind has a friend with the same name and they call each other, "Other Whirlwind". The other day at swimming lessons Whirlwind saw "Other Whirlwind" and started running as fast at she could with her arms wide open yelling, "Other Whirlwind, Other Whirlwind!".   They greeted with a huge hug. It was adorable.

But, I think that is where it should stop.

From now on the only people I want to greet with hugs are my friends and family that I haven't seen for over 5 years.  

Or if you do something really nice for me.  Like saving my children from choking on their daily hot dogs.

Girl Crushes....

For my last two birthdays,  my husband has been kicking ass and taking names.

Taking names of authors.

He is a very good listener.

I am a big fan of the television show "Chelsea Lately".  I love everything about it. I rarely even sweat when I see who the guest is, because I know that "Chels" can handle it.

The comedians on the round table for the most part are wonderful.  There is one that Zed and I cannot stand. But, I don't want to name names. But, we get SO into the show, we usually start yelling at him when he is talking about nothing.

We love the show so much that once I invited Zed to bed and he said, "Oh, I kind of wanted to watch Chelsea Lately...."

Was that kind of sad to share?

Anyways.

After telling Zed, what I wanted him to buy me for my birthday, he bought me the following...

Heather is a comedian and a writer on "Chelsea Lately" and the book is great. I finished it in two days.

You see, Heather didn't lose her virginity until she was 27. And I figure that if I didn't give it up to a complete stranger when I was eighteen, I would have probably been in the same boat.  Except my rejections would be farm boys who never really liked me in the first place. The guys she dates are mostly good looking losers. Until Peter.  That is her husband.  I love him. Besides Peter,  Heather and I have nothing in common.

Except.....

Heather follows me on "twitter".

I know.

You are so jealous.

Super-dee-duper jealous.

I'm jealous of me. Sometimes I go on to her twitter page to see if she followed any other loser fans.  It would make me feel less special if I knew that she does a weekly pity follow.  

Just in case this is true, lets pretend I never brought it up.

Zed also got me this book for my birthday....

Sarah is also a writer and comedian on "Chelsea Lately".  I really, really, really want to read this book.  But someone just lent me " The Hunger Games." 

Which has taken over my life.

From now on I am only reading what fourteen year old girls are reading.  That includes Sweet Valley High.

I love this book.

I.  Love. This. Book.

I'm on Chapter 10 and even as I type this, I kind of just want to stop typing and go hide from my family and read it.   In this words of one of the gals in my book club, "This book makes me want to neglect my children."  Which is funny because pretty much anything makes me want to neglect my children.

So.....yeah.   Not to be awkward about this, but Katniss and Peeta are calling me. So... I'm going to go read now.

This Is Why I Am Tired....

Whirlwind recently turned four.  On the day of her birthday A good friend of mine took her for a few hours. They went out for burgers, did crafts, went swimming and of course there were presents.

Whirlwind was given a little case with hair clips, lip gloss and nail polish in it. 

She was in four year old heaven.

So much so, that the next morning, I was awoken by Whirlwind wondering if she could, "put on some lipstick on my lips and some nail polish on my fingers."

It was 4:48 a.m.

Sweet Jesus.

Have I gotten my good friend back?

Not yet.  But, I will.  

Hey good friend.... be afraid.  

Be very afraid.  

You never know when I am going to show up at your house at 4:48 a.m. 

Can't wait to introduce you to Karma.  

Meat...

I just spent $243 on groceries.


Mostly on  meat.


Sandwich meat, pepperoni, whole frying chickens, pork chops, sausages, smokies beef roasts and pork roasts. Pre made chicken wings and meatballs.  Even some fake crab meat.


Oh, and hot dogs. If you want to call that meat.


Big day for my freezer.


After leaving the store, and waiting for the traffic light to turn green,  I heard rustling to my left.  I looked and it was a semi truck pulling a crap load of cows. Well, not so much crap, because THAT was leaking down the sides and onto the road.  It was gross. It was smelly. And it was sad.


Then one cow looked at me.


Big time locked eyes with me.


And I felt like a giant fuck.

Oh God, Cow. I am sorry.

I was a vegetarian in grade 8.  And I don't remember why.  I remember one of the boys in my grade looking it up in the dictionary. Which was totally flattering, I mean those boys cared about me, right?  Well, only to tell me that vegetarians had more flatulence than meat eaters.


Oh.  Okay.


Very entertaining.


But mostly, my experience with being a teenage vegetarian meant that I only at the loonie fries and not the loonie burger at the only restaurant in my town, The Miniota Motor Inn.


It also meant that I had to dig the minced fish out and eat the batter in my Mom's signature meal, which was fish and chips from a box.


Delicious.

My Huge Boobs...

I have very large breasts.

Very large breasts.

Sometimes the odd friend will ask me if I am going to get a breast reduction. This pisses me off.  These are my breasts. It's my choice isn't it?  Are they embarrassed by my huge rack?  I don't get it.   Do they think they are helping me out by letting me know that I have huge boobs?  Um, I know I have huge boobs.

My back knows it too.

So screw off.

When working out I wear 2 bra's.  One in a size B Cup to hold those puppies in. And then one in  a DD to hold the B Cup Bra in place.  It's hot, uncomfy and works like a damn charm.

I used to run with a group of ladies called "The Jiggling Diva's".

Mostly we just call ourselves "The Diva's".

I'm pretty much the only one that really "jiggles".

Or bounces.

Or sways.

One day  four of us were out for a run.  We were running in a high traffic area.  I was feeling good. I was feeling strong. I was feeling confident.

Plus, I had on my 2 bra's. Great support but, a tad embarrassing. They make my boobs really pointy.

Think Madonna pointy.

Actually, it looks exactly like I am wearing a cone bra underneath my running shirt.

So me and the "pointer sisters" are having a wonderful run with my Diva's. Until this happened...

A car of young men slowed down by us,  one of them leaned his head out the window and yelled, "GET A SPORTS BRA!"

I was embarassed.  

I was confused.

Would I put the sports bra under or over my other 2 bras?

Monday Morning Threesome

Even as a little girl I was obsessed with Pop Culture.  I remember buying People Magazine when I was 8 years old.


I'm not sure how my obsession started.  I was born this way.  Just ask Lady Gaga.


Maybe its because there was a lack of anything glamorous in my life.


No, I didn't grow up with a car motor and toilet in my front yard.


But, I grew up with only three television channels.


Gasp.


And one was CBC. So that didn't really count for anything but the news. And Degrassi.


Damn it, I loved Degrassi. Like, loved, loved, loved Degrassi. I even wrote the creators a letter to see how I could be on the show.  No one returned my letter. Which is bullshit, because I even used a scented envelope.

I also loved Entertainment Tonight.  It was on every night at 6:30 p.m. And, I used to hate that baseball practice was always at 7:00 p.m.  Damn farm kids.


This was my fix.


It used to piss me off that I had to ride my bike 6 blocks and miss the Birthday's at the end of Entertainment Tonight.  I was so good at guessing the Birthday's.


What bugged me the most about my three television channels was that there was no rhyme or reason to when the "cool shows" aired.  A "cool show" would be something I saw in a magazine or something Mary Hart had told me about on Entertainment Tonight.  I would FR-EAK OUT when a "cool show" came on.


Absolutely FR-EAK OUT!


The Thursday t.v guide was hardly ever right. I remember discovering that 21 Jump Street was on at 4 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon.


Really?

I have to be honest. I wasn't a huge fan of the show. But, I thought I was supposed to be, so therefore I became one. I started to love Johnny Depp.  Not as much as I loved Kirk Cameron and Michael J. Fox. I'm a wholesome girl. 

But, I was very curious about Johnny Depp's hair and eyeliner.  

What was that all about?  

And his jewellery?

Very interesting.

If you follow me on twitter (hint, hint) you will know that I absolutely loved the movie remake. 

I went to look at Channing Tatum, but when I left, I was all about that little chubby Jonah Hill. 

Or maybe both.  At the same time.


Bring it boys.


I can handle it.


Which reminds me, I frickn' loved the movie Threesome.  It just blew my sixteen year old mind.


I needed to get my ass to college.


And fast.

I would also like to recommend that you not "google" the word "threesome".  I was not really prepared to see what I saw.  Wow. It's 8:30 on a Monday Morning. That must be a porn searching record.