What happens in Book Club....

I might of made a mistake last night at Book Group. 


Yes, Group not Club.


Don't ask.  Okay, ask.


Somehow when we first started it was very important to me that we were a "Group" and not a "Club".  I know, I know. Stupid.


Back to Book Group...


I'm not sure how it happened. Somehow I told everyone that I started looking at boil and cyst videos online. They were mortified.   More mortified then the time I told them I google'd bird penis. Which I am really glad I did. I had no idea birds penises were shaped like corkscrews. 


There are thousands of cyst and boil and pimple and blackhead videos out there. There are even some websites devoted entirely to the sport of it.

Listen, watching these videos is not a hobby.


Yet.


It's kind of like the night you took your bra off at the bar and danced on a table... it just sort of happened.

Big Body Parts

Whirlwind is getting soooo big. She is the smartest. Full of wonderful ideas, stories and questions.


Why do bees live in hives?


Why do we live in houses?


Today we were snuggled up in bed watching Zed pack his suitcase for a work conference. We were joking about packing BabyBot in it too. Whirlwind thought that would be a great idea for her. I had to convince her NOT to get into the suitcase. Mostly because of Zed's nicely packed clothing but mainly because I was having visions of not being able to find her one day.


I told her she was too big and that she was growing and soon she would be big like Mommy.


Here is the conversation....


Ww:  "And I'll have big arms like Mommy...."


Me:  "Yup...."


Ww:  "And big legs...."


Me:  "Yup."


Ww:  "And a big belly...."


Me:  "Sure."


Ww:  "And a big vagina..."


Me:  "Yes, honey and a big vagina like Mommy."


I looked at Zed. His eyes were as big as saucers.


But not as big as my vagina.

And then I lose it...

Half my book club went to see "The Help" the other night.  I couldn't wait for our lame ass movie theatre to get it. So sick of movies for 14 year old boys

.

The last time I saw that many old ladies in one place, I was serving tea at a church bazaar.


I really loved seeing all those grey hairs together. Girls are girls, right?  No matter what. Even when you are eighty. "The Help" is a movie you want to go to with your girls.


Go see it.


The book is great.


The movie is also great.


It gets the go ahead from me. Blah, Blah, Blah.


There is something about me I would like to share. I'm a laugher. Sometimes a snorter. Definitely a crier.  And I did all three AFTER the movie.


Side Note:  I also laugh so hard that I push people.  There is definitely some Elaine in me.  Okay. Okay. There is A LOT of Elaine in me.

Here's what happened...


After the movie, we just lingered watching  the credits. We aren't the only group doing that. When we finally get up there are about 6 other people in the movie theatre staring at the credits. Or maybe planning their next hip replacement.


Bookie #1 says very loudly, "OH THERE IS A GUY IN HERE." We all just kind of look at her and giggle and then she says a bit quieter, "Oh, I guess I said that really loud." And we all laugh, because it was really loud.


But, as we walk buy the GUY, we realize its not a guy. It's a little old lady. And that is when I lose it. Out of control . Cannot keep it together. Laughing, snorting, crying. I even pushed Bookie #1 into a wall.


I really hope GUY/little old lady is deaf.

Oh that creek...

SHE ENDS UP WITH PACEY?


I guess I did want Joey and Pacey to be together. They just had that little something. I think because Katie and Josh dated in real life they really had that chemistry thing down. There was always a little twinkle in their scenes.


But, I totally wasn’t expecting her to end up Pacey. I thought she would end up alone and have these two great male friends for life. I was hoping that Joey would learn to love herself.


And, I guess she technically ends up with both of them. One as a soul mate and the other as a lover.  But poor Dawson.

Oh, in case you couldn't tell, I just finished watching the entire series of Dawson's Creek.

 

I don't know how she does it...

....nor do I really give a flying fuck.

But, I would give more than a fuck to Greg Kinnear.  He wears the sexiest glasses in the movie. But this scene made me want to rip my pants off.  Look at him.

Just beautiful. He is just so beautiful. I don't think he has ever looked as good as he does in this movie.  So, the movie is worth seeing because Greggy Poo is in it.

It's worth seeing SJP, too. The more I watch her, the more I want to be her. Well, at least have her hair. It's fantastic.

I can relate to many things in this movie. High fashion. Travelling for work. Hot husband. Getting hit on by even hotter coworker.

I kid. I kid. Can't relate to any of that. Well, maybe the hot husband part.

Side note: I only wrote that because Zed sometimes reads my blog.

It's a good movie to see with some like minded Mommy's. Because you could really have a great career/stay at home debate. I found myself cheering SJP on while she chased her career, because that is what I would do. And then a few hours later, I found myself  telling my girlfriend that I think I want to quit my job and

stay
home with Whirlwind and BabyBot.
The movie made me do some debating with myself.

Anyways, my fav part of the entire movie going experience was before the movie even started. There was a man who tripped up the stairs and spilled his nachos. That was worth the price of admission.

Fail Big Daddy Fail

I'm heading to the Big City tomorrow to stay with a friend for a couple of nights. Sans kids.


I know.


Awesome.


But, the guilt.


It's eating at me. My sister says that I will feel guilty either way so I my as well go. And she is right. If I stay home I will be such a miserable cow to my husband that he will wish that I had just got the hell out of the house.


He'll be just fine without me. In fact as usual he will show me up. The house will be clean. Laundry will be done. Vehicles will be washed. Kids will be perfect.  He truly amazes me.


That reminds me of a story about another Mommy.  She had to go back to work early and her husband took the rest of the Parental leave.


Side note: This is very common where I live due to seasonal work and the men getting laid off.


So, for the first week it was driving her nuts because he seemed to be able to do it all. Cook, Clean, Shop. He could do it all. And he did it all very well. But, she knew there was NO WAY he could keep it all up. And after a week things sort of fell apart. And that made her happy.


Am I saying I want Zed to fail these next few days?  No. Not at all. It's really the exact opposite. I want it to go really well so I can leave again.

I almost swallowed my tongue

I'm lucky to have a lot of good friends. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I did right.  I still have childhood, teen, 20's, college, work and now Mommy friends. I have totally lucked out in life.


It's most apparent in my life when I go home.  I have to go for 3 weeks just to see everyone and that is hardly enough time to see all the people that are important to me. Let alone my family.


Of course, when I was at home this summer I was doing my usual sex talk with each of my friends just hoping to find someone else that was too tired, smelly and cranky to have sex with their husbands.


It's like a search of epic proportions. I'm just begging for one of them to please tell me that they are not having sex 3-5x a week. Anybody.... anybody?


Here's what happened...


After a six hour dinner while sitting visiting in my friends car. I sneakily started asking about their  sex lives, and without getting their answers (Big Mistake), I then confided in my lack of desire for sex.


Friend #1 was shocked. But what she was about to say double shocked me.


Firstly, she said, "I would've thought that you guys had a really good sex life."


What the FUCK is that supposed to mean? I was totally offended. Do I look like a horny slut?  I always imagined that someone who had a good sex life wore the "Together" style clothes in the Sears Catalogue. I don't wear things that flowy.


Secondly, she said, "Oh I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I've had sex 3x today."


This is where I almost swallowed my tongue. We picked her up at 5 p.m. It was now 11 p.m.


"When! When? WHEN!!" I choked. " Like you.....you..... you know, like three times in one session?"


"No.  Three different times today." she answered.


What is wrong with everyone? There is seriously no need for that. I'd be scared to bend over and grab a can of green beans with a husband like that.


Again, a giant fail. My quest to find someone like me is NOT going well. I'm starting to embarrass myself, aren't I?


Are we the only people not having sex 3-4 x a week?  At first I thought that people were just lying to me and making up the amount of sex they were having. But, they aren't. They can't be. These are my friends.  They wouldn't lie to me. Especially when I open up first at how pathetic ours has become since having the kids.


Poor Zed.

Outrageous Shampoo

I had no idea you still existed.


There is a saying or maybe its from a Garth Brooks song. Okay. FINE. It's from a Garth Brooks song, I'm so friggn' embarrassed. 


Anyways.


It goes like this, "Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory."


And its true.


Even truer for $2 bottles of shampoo.


Before I even start I want to say that I spend much more on Outrageous Shampoo when I was in high school than I did the other day in Walmart.


What happened to Outrageous Shampoo?  It was truly the most important thing to me in my teens.


Now I feel sorry for it. It's the Ian Ziering of shampoos. Practically free.


Anyways...


I was shopping for the guest room shampoo. And by guest room shampoo I mean the cheapest stuff I could find b.c I am sick of all our guests using my good Pantene Pro V. Yeah, you heard me.  I'm real hoity toity.


It was only $2 so I bought 4 bottles thinking, "Hey I used to use this stuff AND its only $2. Sweet."

And then never really thought about it again.


Until I had a shower in the guest bathroom and as soon as I opened that bottle.


Which used to look like this....

That overwhelming smell sent me directly back to high school.


Instantly I was there.


It was like a bad Dudley Moore/ Kirk Cameron movie. I really was catapulted back in time. I saw myself with my high school best friends. I even got the giggles thinking about the two of them and all the fun we had.  And it made me miss them. It made me miss a simpler time. Which really WAS NOT so simple. It was friggn' awful.


So then I got angry about how I should of used those years more wisely while I had the chance. Blah, Blah, Blah.  And I scrubbed the hell out of my head.


It also made me miss Cindy Crawford. Where is she?

A doggy?

Whirlwind has been talking quite a bit about Santa Clause. And most recently she has been talking about asking Santa for a dog.


I think I nipped it in the bud.


I told her that "Dogs have to be walked and fed and bathed and Mommy already has to walk, feed and bathe you and Baby Bot and I don't want to do that for a dog too."


Whirlwind looked a little spaced out by that answer.


So I told her we would talk about it again when she was eight.


Is this selfish of me?


Animals aren't really my thing. In fact I am reading a book right now that has a little too much "horse talk" for my liking.  Don't get me started on talking animals.

Mysterious Movie Girl

I like to go to movies alone.


Sometimes.

Well. Maybe that is not true. What I mean is....I don't mind going to movies alone.  I would prefer company. But, if I can't get something planned with a friend or find a babysitter, then I have no problem spending a few hours by myself watching something I really want to see.


But, not on a Tuesday. Or a Saturday. Too many people that will see me and think, "What a loser."


My sister told me that people will just think I am interesting and confident. Mysterious Movie Girl.


I like the idea of that.  Maybe even more than actually going to the movies. The idea of strolling in and everyone stopping their popcorn eating because they are awestruck with my Mysteriousness.  Is that a word?


Meh.


I haven't always done this. It started the summer I was a nanny in California. I was miserable. I got really bored of spending my days off reading ENTIRE books in Borders Books.  So, I started going to matinees. That's where I saw " Saving Private Ryan".   The first 20 minutes almost killed me.

Oh, that sounds really bad. Obviously, it didn't really kill me like the 300 actors. But, I was so frightened I could hardly watch the opening scene. A man came over to ask me if I was "okay", because I had my entire head under my cardigan.


Sidenote:
My favourite cardigan.  It was my Dad's and a great navy blue. And I still think about it.  I left it somewhere in Pleasantville California in a Starbucks.


Yesterday afternoon I went to see this...

 

It's an okay movie. In fact, it could have been a fantastic movie had I not seen the entire movie in its previews. I guess it worked. The movie moguls lured me in. Took my $9.25 and spit me out.