Slutty Mom's

My sister says that I have to quit talking about my sex life.

In my defense, I  keep talking about it because I am hoping that I am going to find someone else who is in the same boat. And that search is not going well.

Sailing by myself in an ocean of Slutty Mom's.

Here's what happened....

Scene: Whirlwinds Gymnastics Class

The topic of sex comes up. Probably because I bring it up b.c I am obsessed with the fact that I seem to be the only wife in this god damned town who is too tired and lazy to get naked.

Mommy #1 (who has a 3 year old and a 4 month old) tells me that "they"  are up to 2 to 3 x a week.

I tell her that is gross.

She asks me why.

 And I just say "It just is."

Then Mommy #2, who has a 3 year old and a one year old and apparently a very horny husband, states that "they" have sex everyday

Immediately and with no filter I cringe and whimper and say ‘”That’s disgusting."

To which no one even commented.

Crickets.

Maybe a small giggle from Mommy #3.

And then I realized, they were looking at me like I HAD THE PROBLEM.

HUH WHA… .you sluts give it up 5x a week to your faithful husbands. How can I be the one with the problem?

SO maybe I do have a problem

 But don’t you think sex every day of the week is a bit excessive?

I did what.....?

I dressed up for my massage appointment.


Let me explain. I called a new RMT to help me with my back problems. On the phone she recognized my name and voice and mentioned that she hadn't heard me on the radio lately.


And because I think I am a rockstar, I couldn't let her down.


I put on make up.


Took my hair out of a clip.


Put on a necklace.


Found some clean pants. Granted they were still maternity pants, but clean.


Changed my underwear. Thank God, I did that. Her face was practically in my crotch.


I do this all the time. I almost find myself apologizing for my appearance when people find out I am "Kyla from the radio".  I usually say, "I'm usually taller and blonder."  Obviously I just REEK of insecurity. Truly, I think I let people down once they see my chubby body.  And lack of hygiene.


But, there is a flip side to this. When I am feeling, young, hot, hip and thin, I have no problems letting people know I am "Kyla from the radio".


Better start planning my outfit for my next appointment.

A WHAT?!

After 2 days in "The Min" (my sad attempt to make our mini van sound cool) and almost 3 weeks at my parents we are home. Apparently while we were away I forgot about basic hygiene.


Well, not really forgot. I hate to wash. I think I've told you this already. Whatever. Drying off is for suckers.


My eyebrows are a damn mess. So, I grabbed the tweezers, sat on the toilet and started to pluck.


Fine.


HUH.


WHA...

Grey eyebrow hair.


HUH.


WHA...


I never knew this could happen. Granted I know my father has big bushy grey eyebrows, but I never really expected to inherit those along with his flat ass.


Mother F*cker.

Horrible Bosses...

 My parents watched the kids while Zed and I escaped for a day on our own. It was my perfect day. An all you can eat East Indian Buffet and a movie. And it was cheap Tuesday. I felt high.


We went to this movie with no expectations and I frigg'n LOVED IT! It was uncomfortably hilarious. The acting was fantastic.  Possibly might have to move one of my fav's off my top 20 list to let this one in.  Lucky you Jason Bateman.


I wish comedies were given more Oscars.

My Home Town

Is it possible to love and hate a place as much as this one?

I love how familiar it is.

I hate how my self esteem drops.

I love my family.

I hate my hair.

I love my friends and how they accept me like I never left.

I hate that I eat 9 granola "dip" bars today.

I love that Whirlwind thinks its funny that there is only one store, no Burger King and we don't watch out for cars when we walk on the street.

Gross, Gross, Gross

If I have to see another preview of Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts kissing I am going to punch myself in the face.


Seriously.


I have never ever seen anything so disturbing in my life. Not even the time I googled hemorrhoids.


Side note: I did have to use spell check for the harsh H.


It's like watching your Dad kiss your Auntie. The Auntie that is his sister.


Blech.

What I am teaching my daughter....

Knowing all the words to the Revenge of The Nerds talent show WILL get you far in life.

4days?!

I was at a BBQ before the 2^nd baby was born.


And I didn’t really know everyone. Plus, I  was without the crutch of Zed or Whirlwind.


Side note: There is nothing better than having a toddler at a social event where you don't feel like being so social.


There was a woman there with an 8 month old baby and she was talking about how great her experience was with her midwife and that her body felt ready to have sex way before the suggested 6 weeks.  She had sex with her boyfriend after her baby was 4 days old.


Okay.


Come on now.


I used a midwife and after Whirlwind, Zed and I didn’t have sex for 4 months.


Another side note: He won't care that I am sharing this. Because it's a fact and it doesn't insult his manliness. In fact is does the opposite it shows what a wonderful caring supportive husband he is. Blah, blah, blah. Super Zed. I get it.


Back to my disgust.


4 days?!  Really? This makes me want to throw up in my mouth.


Am I the only person that thinks this is a little bit gross? Not the throwing up in my mouth part, but the sex after 4 days.

The Paris Wife....

Just finished this book a few nights ago. And I have fallen deeply in  friend-love of Hadley.

I almost want to have another baby just so that I can name her Hadley. Even if its a boy.

Hadley is Ernest Hemingway's first wife and its a fiction look at their non-fiction life. I want to be them. They are drunk all the time. Sigh.... I miss those days. Really, is there anything better than being SO drunk that you have NO clue where you are?

Back to the book.

Can you imagine your husband inviting another woman into your marriage?

Seriously.

How could he even have the time or energy to do that? Or the balls to ask?